Maximum Ride Spork: Part Five: Special Edition!


In this special spork I’m joined by GhostlyOtter and NekoShogun to go through the entirety of chapter 6, word by word. Wish us luck!

Oh, but before we do, I want to say something. Because of the nature of this spork, we get pretty critical about things, and I want to stress that not everything we say will be valid points–since sporks of this nature are meant for entertainment, we’ll mock a lot of stuff that isn’t necessarily mock-worthy. So please try not to get offended if we jump on some little detail. Thanks!

“Max?” The Gasman’s voice was very young and very scared.

GhostlyOtter: I still think that “The Gasman” should be a man made out of gas or something.

NekoShogun: I imagine it as a exterminator type guy, with a beer gut and a cigar hanging out of the corner of his mouth.

EmotedLlama: Pleasant images, no?

I heard a horrible, low moan, then realized it had come from me.

GhostlyOtter: How do you do something without realizing it, anyway?

NekoShogun: You know how sometimes when your stomach makes those noises and you don’t realize it’s your stomach and then you realize, “oh wait, it’s my stomach”? It’s like that, right?

GhostlyOtter: Maybe it was the Gasman?

EmotedLlama: Regardless, though, this is a very trite expression (doing things without realizing it). Originality score -1.

The Gasman and Fang were leaning over me, concerned expressions on their bruised, bloodied faces.

EmotedLlama: Just making sure we remember THEY GOT BEAT UP.

“I’m okay,” I croaked, having no idea if I was or not. Memory came rushing back, and I tried to sit up. “Where’s Angel?” My voice was strained.

Fang’s dark eyes met mine. “She’s gone. They took her.”

GhostlyOtter: *Gasp* DUN DUN DUN.

EmotedLlama: You know, dramatic writing is a lot more dramatic when the pace of the book isn’t EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING IN THE FIRST TWENTY PAGES AAAAAA.

I thought I might faint again. I remembered being nine years old, looking out the wired-glass lab window, watching the Erasers in the semidarkness. The whitecoats had released chimpanzees onto the School grounds and let newly made Erasers loose after them. Teaching them how to hunt.

EmotedLlama: So, did Max grow up in a cage or a glass lab? I’m confused.

GhostlyOtter: Out of all the animals, why chimpanzees? They can’t be easy to come by, you know? “Hello, chimpanzee factory, I need fifty chimpanzees for my mutants to hunt. I need them by Friday.”

The sounds of the chimpanzees screeching in terror and pain still echoed in my mind.

That was who had Angel now.

NekoShogun: Just FYI, that’s where they had Angel before. BEFORE. They had you all there before.

Rage overwhelmed me–why couldn’t they have taken me instead? Why take a tiny kid? Maybe I would have had a chance–maybe.

EmotedLlama: A chance at what?

Shakily, I got to my feet. My head was spinning, and I had to lean against Fang, hating my weakness. “We’ve got to get her,” I said urgently, trying to stay upright. “We’ve got to get her before they–” Horror-filled images flashed through my mind–Angel being chased, being hurt, being killed. I gulped, shutting them down.

EmotedLlama: Hang on. Max is all worried about Angel, but she hasn’t yet confirmed if Nudge or Iggy are safe too. Um.

GhostlyOtter: It’s because Angel is her PRECIOUS BABBEY.

NekoShogun: Guys, this book isn’t very good.

GhostlyOtter: No duh.

Check in, guys–

EmotedLlama: What does that mean?

GhostlyOtter: Are they at a hotel?

–are you up for a chase?” I examined the four of them.

EmotedLlama: The four of who? Only Fang and the Gasman have been established as being here.

NekoShogun: I’m confused…

They looked like they’d been stuffed into a blender set on “chop”.

GhostlyOtter: Eww! Mutant purée.

EmotedLlama: You know, if they had actually been in a blender, they’d be chopped to bits. I don’t get the impression they’ve been chopped to bits, so simile fail.

NekoShogun: Hmm, now I kinda want a smoothie…

“Yes,” Nudge said in a tear-choked voice.

“I’m up,” said Iggy, a split lip making his voice thick.

The Gasman nodded solemnly at me.

To my horror, hot tears momentarily blurred my vision. I wiped them away with the back of one hand and called on fury to keep me going.

EmotedLlama: I’m not sure Max would have such a sense of pride after LIVING IN A CAGE AND BEING TORTURED AND TESTED ON. Just saying.

Just then Iggy cocked his head slightly. It was a clue for me to start listening intently. Then I heard it too: a faint engine noise.

“There!” Iggy said, pointing.

The five of us ran stiffly and clumsily toward the sound. A hundred yards through the woods brought us to a sharp drop-off maybe fifty feet above and old, unused logging road.

EmotedLlama: Two things:

  • Iggy is blind. How does a blind kid run a hundred yards through a forest?

GhostlyOtter: Echolocation. He’s a bat-kid.

  • Judging by the fact that the Erasers descended from the sky, I’d assume they were in a helicopter. How do these kids hear an engine a hundred yards away, but not helicopters RIGHT ABOVE THEM‽

Then I saw it: a black Humvee, dull with dust and mud, bumping roughly over the unpaved road.

GhostlyOtter: They hear a Humvee from a hundred yards away, but not a helicopter. What?

My heart pounded. I knew, just knew, that my little one, my Angel, was inside.

GhostlyOtter: My precious babbey!

And she was on her way to a place where death came as a blessing.

EmotedLlama: OOH, DRAMATIC!

NekoShogun: I believe her; I kinda want death now too.

It wasn’t going to happen, not while I was breathing.

“Let’s get her! I cried, then backed up about ten feet. The others scurried out of my way as I ran to the edge and simply jumped out into space.

NekoShogun: Space, space, wanna go to space, spaace! SPAAAAAACE!

I started to fall toward the road.

Then I unfurled my wings, fast, catching the wind.

And I began to fly.

GhostlyOtter: She can fly? No frikkin’ way!

EmotedLlama: This would be mildly dramatic if she hadn’t already flown in the first chapter. But anyway, here the chapter ends. Uck.

NekoShogun: I feel kinda sleepy.


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