Maximum Ride Spork: Part Nine


Her mouth was dry. Her head ached–everything ached. (pg 43)

And thus our adventures in third person begin!

Note that this is the beginning of the chapter; no foreword from Max saying how this is her recounting what Angel saw, no little bit acknowledging the third person perspective. It’s all rather jarring; up until this point, the book has been trying to act like it’s all real… but this really kills immersion.

This text might not be portraying it, but I am very annoyed right now.

Angel’s in the School! In a dog crate; a “Kanine Kamper, size medium.” How Angel knows this or why it’s relevant, I don’t know. And there are thoughts! Weird thoughts, too: “New new ‘n’ wings and new new wings girl new” (Nope, the missing period isn’t an error on my part; apparently these thoughts are speshul or something and don’t require any type of punctuation. Except for random apostrophes.)

The thoughts belong to two kids younger than Angel; a bit of description that sounds an awful lot like Max’s voice later, a couple of scientists take Angel away. End of chapter.

Back to Max now! Nudge is hungry (and Max is too, seemingly unable to decide if she doesn’t want to stop because it would lose time or because she’d be giving in before Fang), so they need to look for food. Not before Max can dispense some more pop culture references, though:

Sometimes he [Fang] seems like a droid–or a drone. Fang of Nine. Fang2-D2. (pg 46)

Fun fact: Fang of Nine is play off of Seven of Nine, a cyberwoman (Borg, to be exact) from Star Trek: Voyager. Another fun fact: I watched the first three seasons of Voyager a few years ago from the library… don’t remember Seven of Nine at all. In fact, it was another spork that taught me what the reference was. Go figure.

So they decide to steal some food from a house, since it’s preseason in the ski slopes. Don’t ask me how she knows skiing seasons and that vacation homes are around ski slopes. But anyway, there’s a train-set model simile and they land a hundred yards away from an empty house. Oh, and apparently Max’s wings just fold in against her body. Just ignore the feathers that are likely longer than Max’s body, or that foldable wings would likely be very unstable.

We landed a hundred yards away. As usual, after flying for hours, my legs felt a tad rubbery. I shook them out, then folded my warm wings in tight against my body.

Nudge and Fang did the same. (pg 47)

Maybe this is nitpicking (correction: it definitely is) but shouldn’t this just be one paragraph? The only reason to put the last sentence as its own paragraph is to draw attention to it, make it more dramatic–but since this is an incredibly non-dramatic action, it’s just silly. (Which is a good way to describe most of this book.)

Max checks the house for alarm systems (because alarm systems are such important parts of a bird-kid’s internet education) and, finding none, they break in through the window. Honestly, I have to wonder just what websites Max hung out on.

“Oh, yeah, pay dirt, woo-hoo!” Cans of beans, fruit, condensed milk, whatever that was–it sounded bad. The ever-popular ravioli. “We’re golden!” (pg 48)

Max knows Seven of Nine and how to break into a house, but not condensed milk?

…The heck?

Anyway, they eat, and sleep on the couches. Chapter end.

The next chapter begins with Iggy and Gazzy sulking around in the house, and they eventually come to the realization that the Erasers might come back.

So these Erasers beat up the kids they were looking for, completely incapacitating them. They kidnap one of the kids, leaving the rest… and then come back? What kind of idiot is in charge of these guys? It–it’s just so stupid! Why would anyone do this? This is something that would get fixed in a second draft–heck, just rereading it JPatterson should have noticed the gaping logic gap!


ANYWAY, they decide to make traps and bombs and stuff to stop the Erasers. And apparently Iggy likes bombs:

Iggy grinned. “Bombs are good. I love bombs. Remember the one from last fall? I almost caused an avalanche.”

“That was to make a trail through the woods. Okay. There was a reason for it. Max approved.” (pg 51)

…So not only did they need to make a trail through the woods, but they made bombs to do so? Just what did Jeb teach these kids?

Moving away from Jeb’s apparently bad influence, Gazzy and Iggy make a plan; make firebombs and blow up the Erasers! Okay, I can get behind that. And here ends the chapter, as well as this post.


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