Maximum Ride Spork: Part Sixteen

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Chapter 47

Nudge is laying around in a cave, thinking about stuff, including how Ari used to always follow Max around. Which would make me think he was living with the flock and Jeb, but there was never mention of this previously…

JPatterson, care to explain the things that actually matter? I’d really rather know the flock’s relationship with Ari than some random story about hot dogs.

Nudge angsts a bit more about how everyone’s dead… then proceeds to go crazy over kabobs that Fang brings. Because death is so much less important than food.

And then Iggy and Gazzy show up and yay!

Chapter 48

Now we’re with Max, who’s putting on a new sweatshirt. Over her wings, which would be impossible. Unless her wings are trailing out of cuts in the sweatshirt (which, well), or they’re so well indented into Max’s back that it doesn’t matter, which would mean she got some weird genetics to have indents in her back and her wings are pretty small, or her chest is just really small, meaning she might have a smaller heart and lungs, which would give her lower blood flow and less oxygen, which seems counter intuitive towards flying, not to mention that getting her wings out of indents and through a shirt wouldn’t be easy…

Honestly, this book.

Blah blah blah, Max leaves Ella and Dr. Martinez with a backpack, which somehow she wears I guess? The narration never bothers to tell us how she manages it what with her wings. C’mon, JPatterson, don’t be lazy!

Chapter 49

We’re now on part three (did I mention this book has parts?), “School–what could be scarier than that?”

Ha ha.

(Not to mention that this is the third part in a hundred and sixty pages. Really brilliant, that.)

Max goes to look for Nudge and Fang, and finds them plus Iggy and Gazzy. Completely ignoring the fact that Iggy and Gazzy shouldn’t be there, she spouts some sentimental stuff:

Relief and joy flooded through my body and soul. …

And yes, I did say soul.

Is there something I’m missing, or does that make no sense? Why does it matter if Max said soul?

Chapter 50

Blah blah blah, everyone reunites and Max finally acknowledges that Gazzy and Iggy shouldn’t be here. They go on about their adventures and continue to bash at the question of why the Erasers didn’t kill the flock when they had the chance.

Then:

Maybe in about twenty years I would get the hang of dealing with boys. And maybe not. (pg 163)

I’m still not buying it that there would be so much of a gender split among kids raised in a lab and then in seclusion. I’m just not buying it.

And then Max hugs Iggy and Gazzy and remarks that Iggy is almost five inches taller than her (how she even got such a specific length from a hug, I don’t know).

Blah blah blah (SO MUCH BLAH), the flock head off to find Angel.

Chapter 51

And apparently parents are something that the flock “obsessed about, talked about constantly, cried about”, only I’m saying no, they obviously aren’t, or it wouldn’t take till a hundred and sixty-five pages to even hear of this (and even then we just get told it, which is totally good storytelling). The most we’ve gotten is Max making sarcastic remarks about parents and Nudge randomly deciding to find her mother.

It’s like this book is meant to be bad.

Max tells everyone about the chip in her arm and says she feels “a coaster current in my face.” A brief-ish Google search finds nothing for this term, so I’m assuming that I’m either way out of touch with slang or JPatterson has no idea how teenagers talk nowadays.

And then Max acknowledges that it’s strange it took four years for the Erasers to find them! Now we just have to see if this ever actually gets answered. I’m guessing no, or that it’ll make no sense if it is.

Chapter 52

Oh… Oh my god.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but all of us in the flock have an inborn sense of direction. I don’t know how it works. We just always know which way we’re going. (pg 167)

JPatterson, bird DNA does not cause superpowers!

I mean… I just… how could anyone buy this, even for a moment? Mind reading–okay, I guess, pretty bad but acceptable. Mimicking voices–well, rather bad again, especially considering it’s so pointless, but whatever.

But some bizarre inner compass that pops up just when the flock need it?

NO!

That’s bleeping stupid!

I really wish I could throw this book at a wall right now. I imagine that’d be pretty fun.

(Fun fact: I wrote out that whole rant, and then NekoShogun took a look over the spork and told me that birds typically know exactly where they are, and this is actually more plausible than their other powers. I’m leaving the rant for entertainment value, but I will freely admit I am in the wrong here. Though (and of course there’s always a though or a but or some continuation) I must say, I still have to wonder why it took so long for this to get mentioned. I’d think it would be relevant the moment they started flying.)

…Oh, and some of the hawks Fang and Nudge met are following the flock. Despite the fact that there were babies at the nests and that the flock are human and birds don’t just follow people for no reason and that it makes NO. SENSE. WHATSOEVER.

This is one paragraph, people! How could a book possibly be so excruciatingly nonsensical and stupid in a single paragraph?!

(Spoiler alert: when I review this book, it’s not getting any stars. None.)

After a while their… “markers” come into view (am I just being dumb or does that not make sense?) and they land, heading towards a strip mall.

And after Fang jokes about Max getting her hair done, she says the most she ever did was whack at it with scissors when it got too long. Which brings me back to why Max is so sexist against guys–she doesn’t exactly have a lot of stereotypically feminine attributes.

So they’re ten miles away from the School, and Max doesn’t want to fly in for… reasons, despite that it’s ten miles and they should at least fly closer than ten miles.

A guy in a fancy car pulls in by the “little bank machine.” He gets dubbed a jerk by the flock ’cause he’s acting angry, and another car crashes into his and he yells a bunch of swear words (including one that’s foreign to Max that she tucks away for later use–though I doubt she’ll ever swear at all) and oh no, the car was being driven by Ari!

And there ends the chapter, and thankfully I can now end this spork part.

I really, really hate this book, guys.

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6 responses »

  1. Are you planning to spork any of Patterson’s other YA after this? Because Daniel X actually manages to be worse! Of course, I don’t want to see you strain your sanity or anything. :D

    It really annoys me how much suspension of disbelief is needed for this series. An inborn sense of direction is okay, I guess, but later on when they start getting random powers it just gets aggravating. ‘Specially since most of them are never used. Patterson is obviously dumbing down for kids, since the adult books he based MR off at least tried to have some sort of accuracy.

    Great review, as always! Please keep it up!

    • “Are you planning to spork any of Patterson’s other YA after this? Because Daniel X actually manages to be worse! Of course, I don’t want to see you strain your sanity or anything. :D”

      To my memory, I actually liked Daniel X better, mostly because I thought its concept was more interesting and less full of fail. By the time I finish this book, though, I hope to maybe have enough people following the blog to do a poll, which would probably include the next MR book, Daniel X, Witch and Wizard, and anything else James Patterson throws out before then, providing I find Daniel X and Witch and Wizard to be bad enough.

      The best guess I have is that he thought random powers = character development. What’s really horrible about the books, however, is that with a little thought these plot holes and nonsensical bits could be, well, sensical. But it seems as if he didn’t even bother, which just makes me angry–at least Christopher Paolini and Stephenie Meyer *think* their writing is good!

  2. I doubt you’ll see this, since I found the spork late, but I’m really enjoying your tearing apart of this godawful book. I especially facepalmed whenever a new random power was revealed.

    I found a PDF of Maximum Ride while Googling this book. Once you take away all of the pointless filler space, the **entire book** is 160 pages.

    As for the inborn sense of direction, you’d think that JPatterson would have at least tried to make it sound plausible, instead of “we have superpowers for no reason whatsoever!” If the flock really was raised on the Internet, wouldn’t it have occurred to them to do some basic Googling about birds to understand how all their random powers work?

    • Ha, I certainly don’t get enough comments to miss anything. I have it set up to have me approve any new commenters, anyway.

      I’m glad you like my sporks! And yikes, that really is quite something in regards to its length. SO MUCH FILLER.

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