Maximum Ride Spork: Part Eighteen


Chapter 58

Note to self: Disable the air bags on the next car you steal. (pg 186)

Because when there’s a dramatic cliffhanger the best way to continue it is with snark.

So apparently the bird kids didn’t get very hurt because, in their haste to escape the Erasers, they put on seat belts. Suuuure.

Then there’s an action scene, which includes Erasers dragging Max, Nudge, and Fang out of the van, and Iggy and Gazzy flying away. Oh, and apparently Max is smart and calm enough to notice that the Erasers wear handmade Italian shoes… while she’s being kicked by one. Then:

“It’s almost like you don’t want to go back to School,” he [Ari] went on, showing his razor-sharp yellow teeth, dripping Eraser drool over me. (pg 187-188)

In an incredibly perplexing moment, it would appear that the Erasers were never trying to kill the kids–at least, I can’t find any direct quotes saying so by flipping back. So at least there’s that. But then Max somehow manages to look directly at Fang and Nudge while her forehead is being stepped on…

Chapter 59

So now Max, Nudge, and Fang have been captured and are in the School with Iggy and Gazzy elsewhere, and Max is currently in a crate next to Angel, and then Jeb comes in. And that’s pretty much the chapter.

Chapter 60

So we get treated to a narrative monologue about Jeb that does some telling as to how Max missed him so much, even though we never saw signs of it. Bleh.

“I know you’re surprised,” he said with a smile. “Come on. I need to talk to you.”

He unlatched my dog door and held it open. In a nanosecond, I had a plan of action: not to act. (pg 193)

I feel like that last line is trying to be deliberately contradictory in the whole “plan of action being not to act” thing, but the way it’s worded makes it seem more like JPatterson doesn’t know what words mean. Because not acting is totally an action, right?

But anyway, Max leaves the cage and gives the others (I have to assume Nudge and Fang are then in the same room, even though it’s never actually stated) a sign that means “wait.” Why she needs to tell them that when they’re stuck in cages, I have no idea.

Chapter 61

Jeb and Max end up in a lounge of sorts, and while Jeb makes hot chocolate he says how proud he is of Max for being such a good leader. Though I must say, he hasn’t gotten a chance yet to know that. I guess JPatterson wanted to pat himself on the back for creating such a strong and amazing female character… or he just needed filler.

And apparently it’s really weird for there to be marshmallows in Death Valley, but Jeb’s putting them into the hot chocolate anyway. Why it was necessary to spend all but one sentence of a paragraph on it when this is a supposedly dramatic seen…

And man, I just have to say how cliche this whole section is. Oh, look, this supposed good guy is in a bad guy position but acting all friendly but the protagonist is not buying it! Gag me.

…Then Max’s brain “finally accepted the inescapable truth” that it’s Jeb and says that he’s evil. Though nothing’s actually shown that so far, at least from Max’s perspective, and given the fact that Max said she looked up to Jeb so much I’d expect her to be more likely to come up with excuses for why he’s in an evil position. I mean, maybe he got caught and he has to play evil! That seems reasonable enough, right? Certainly more reasonable than this great guy suddenly being evil.

And Max’s use of the word “quelle” (French for “what”, used as “quelle surprise” or “what a surprise” here) combined with her previous use of trés (French for very, used in the last spork in the context of “trés casual”) makes me think she learned some French. Why, I don’t know. It certainly wasn’t mentioned in Max’s monologue about Jeb even though it’s an entire foreign language and everything.

But anyway, Max is going all hating on Jeb for reasons I cannot fathom (HE HAS DONE NOTHING, MAX, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM) and then:

“The thing is, Max,” he said, tons of heart-wringing emotion in his eyes, “you’re even more special than I always told you. You see, you were created for a reason. Kept alive for a purpose, a special purpose.”

“Max, that reason, that purpose is: You are supposed to save the world.” (pg 197)

Will you gag me now?

Chapter 62

I’ve noticed that there can’t a serious moment go by without Max making some quip about it. I really must wonder why. It’s certainly not funny.

Blah blah blah, Jeb says stuff, Max doesn’t like Jeb, Max goes back to her crate.

Chapter 63

So apparently there is nothing more stressful than being stuck in a crate and wondering whether your destiny is to save the world or be killed. Sure, whatever.

And for some reason Max can’t tell anyone anything because she might be overheard by mics (the book uses mikes, but I refuse to use that terminology). I have absolutely no idea why it matters if she’s overheard, except that it would ruin this faux-tension thingy JPatterson’s got going.

Angel asks where Gazzy and Iggy are, and Max shrugs then thinks the answer so Angel can read her mind (why she can’t say that Gazzy and Iggy got away when the bad guys know it too, well)… then doesn’t do this again to tell Angel all the stuff she couldn’t say without being overheard.

Honestly, this book.

Time passes, then Ari and a “crowd” come in and Ari boasts that he killed the missing two bird-kids. I’m assuming he’s lying, but why I have no idea. I feel like me having no idea what’s going on is becoming nauseatingly common.

Max and the others then get their cages put in a cart, and they’re wheeled out in the yard that Erasers use to learn to “bring down prey and tear it limb from limb.”

Aaand this is what the test to become a School scientist looks like:

Your Erasers have finally captured the escaped experiments that have given you  endless trouble, and you decide to kill them. Do you:

A) Execute them immediately?

B) Let your Erasers hunt them down in a yard?

I mean, really.


8 responses »

  1. The erasers are more stupid than the putties from Power Rangers! They can’t decide if they want to kill or capture their targets and the scientists are evil only for the sake of it.

    Bird DNA does not grant powers. In fact it would be next to impossible to mix it with mammal DNA, esp. with human DNA. Despite sharing warm blood bird and mammal DNA would each mix better with reptile DNA than with each other. However humans, being of the primate (specifically ape) group of mammals, are far too removed from the original mammal-rodent source to mix with reptiles. The reason of not mixing bird/mammal DNA goes back millions of years. The 1st protomammals appeared in the Permian era (millions of years before the 1st dinosaurs ) while the 1st protobirds appeared in the Jurassic/Cretaceus (many millions of years later which by this time the protomammals have evolved into rodent like creatures).

      • What really gets to me is the fact that he (or a ghostwriter) did not do any real research. Doing the research about DNA and evolution took me around 1/2 – 1 full hour. Patterson/ghostwriter is being very lazy. I’m not a scientist. I’m studying linguistics aka languages and how they work. The fact I know more than him about biology just shows how ignorant and lazy he is! I know he’s writing science-fiction but jeez!

        • Looking at the rest of the book, it really is obvious JPatterson put no work into the book: not in research, not in characterization, not in prose, not in plot… the entire thing reads like a hastily written first draft that never got edited.

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