Maximum Ride Spork: Part Twenty-Two

Standard

Chapter 92

Fang and I exchanged a look. This was a little scary. Actually, a lot scary. (pg 288)

No duh.

Max tentatively tries to figure out what happened but then Fang gives her a look so she stops so they can continue with their mission. Because going on a wild goose chase is totally more important than keeping your mind-controlling telepath (FIREFOX, TELEPATH IS A WORD) in check.

Oh and ha ha ha the voice is just like Fang because when she wants it to talk it doesn’t and when she doesn’t want to talk it does and ha ha ha hee hee that is just so funny.

Ah, sarcasm.

Chapter 93

Blah blah blah OHNO ERASERS! Stupid Erasers, too!

Hello, kids!”

Directly in front of us, two Erasers leaped out of the doorway of a building. (pg 292)

I mean. I just.

WHY?! If you see your quarry, CAPTURE THEM. Don’t announce yourself!

More blah blah blah as they run away for a page and then Max gets grabbed!

Angel’s hand was ripped out of mine, and she screamed bloody murder. You think you understand those words–bloody murder? Trust me, you don’t. (pg 293)

Honestly, Max, can you stop it with the condescension?

Chapter 94

So now Max is being carried off and apparently people are around and stuff, but she doesn’t bother to try to get help or anything. No, she just makes this quip when someone asks if it’s a movie:

Nah–this is too original for Hollywood. They do sequels. (pg 294)

Getting real tired of Max’s snark.

Then the Eraser drops to the ground and Max moves away, and nobody cares because it’s New York and nobody cares! Man am I sick of that stereotype and I don’t even live remotely near New York.

So now the Eraser is dead and both Max and Fang see some numbers on the back of the Eraser (11-00-07). How Max knows Fang saw it, I don’t know–but JPatterson hasn’t bothered with keeping to the whole first person narration thing anyway.

And despite the fact that these numbers look, you know, like a date, Fang and Max decide it means the Eraser was made in November 2000 as number seven in a batch. Because that’s totally the most plausible explanation and can totally be discerned without any real thought.

Then Max sees a taxi cab top advertisement thingy with the words “Every journey begins with one step” on it (from the voice’s interference, I assume) and decides to… look down. And she finds a bank card with her name on it, which the voice tells her she can use if she can figure out the password.

SURE, book, SURE.

Chapter 95

And the voice apparently can tap into all of Max’s senses or something to know where she is, or so Fang theorizes.

I just gotta say, JPatterson, you fail at science forever. Bird DNA giving kids super strength and running speed? Allowing one of them to read minds, another to imitate voices? Some sort of bizarre voice thing that just appears all of a sudden and is somehow all-knowing?

I mean, WHAT?!

Wordlessly, I held out my left fist. Fang put his on top, then Iggy, then Nudge. Gazzy leaned way over from his branch and managed to barely touch us. Angel leaned down and put her fist on Gazzy’s, and then Celeste’s paw on top of her fist. I heard Gazzy sigh. Or something. (pg 299)

Um, Max, you’re the narrator. Contradicting yourself and leaving open questions like this is confusing and poor.

Chapter 96

Everyone gets woken up by a policewoman, who’s talking through a PA system and saying that it’s illegal to climb trees in Central Park. And apparently there are tons of signs and everything.

Google search: is it legal to climb trees in central park?

Result: a NYTimes article from 2010, stating:

Sleeping in the beech may be invigorating, but it is also illegal. Visitors are not allowed in Central Park between 1 and 6 a.m.; violators can be fined $50. While park rules do not explicitly forbid climbing any of its 24,000 trees, they do prohibit any behavior that damages a tree. (source)

So, um.

Anyway, in the kerfuffle to get away Angel loses her bear, and oh no she doesn’t want another one or anything she wants that bear!

Why a six-year-old who grew up in a lab cares so much about stuffed animals and displays such stereotypical child behavior, I don’t know.

Chapter 97

Iggy ran next to me, his hand out to barely brush against me. He was so good at keeping up, following us, that is was easy to forget sometimes that he was blind. (pg 303)

Yeah, I keep forgetting too.

And then they find “Saint Patrick’s Cathedral” (in quotes because I don’t know if it’s real or not and I don’t feel like bothering to find out) and duck inside.

Chapter 98

As we passed through the door, the air was instantly cooler and scented with something that smelled ancient and churchy and just… religious, somehow. (pg 305)

Because Max totally has an idea of what religion smells like?

And then everyone prays and it’s actually an effective way of showing us character motivation and such, based on what the kids pray for. So, kudos on clever writing there.

(Yes, I did just turn characters praying into something about writing.)

Chapter 99

Oh noes Max is getting a brain explosion with all kinds of images and an address and numbers and letters and blah blah blah.

So they decide to go to the address because why not? It’s not like it’s late and they should be tired or anything.

Chapter 100

Woo, chapter one hundred.

Ugh. No book should have 100 chapters in 312 pages. That’s an average of about three pages per chapter, people. That’s blatant paper-wasting.

So because they need money for some… reason… Max goes over to an ATM and tries to guess the password, starting with “maxride.” Don’t try your full name or anything, because that’s totally not going to be it.

So they keep going from ATM to ATM (because the ATMs shut down when the password is incorrect too many times), blah blah blah…

I know what you’re thinking: Did I try our birthdays or our Social Security numbers? (pg 313)

No, no I wasn’t thinking that.

None of us knew our actual dates, though we had each picked a day we liked and called it our birthday. And the nut jobs at the School had mysteriously neglected to register any of us with the Social Security Administration. (pg 314)

See, that’s why I wasn’t thinking it (plus I don’t bother to think with this novel because I won’t get anything out of it). You know, logic?

Two can play at the snark game, Max.

And then Angel suggests the password “mother” and Max tries it and it works.

WHAT.

I mean.

WHAT.

WHY.

THAT IS NOT HOW WORKS, JAMES PATTERSON.

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