Maximum Ride Spork: Part Twenty-Four

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Since we’re now over three hundred pages into this book, so it seems like a good time for a recap:

1) Angel got kidnapped.

2) Angel got rescued.

3) The flock went to New York.

Oh. Well, then.

Chapter 107

Blah blah blah the flock decide to move somewhere else.

In the end, we settled in the top floor of a ninety-story apartment building that was being built on the Upper East Side. The first seventy or so floors had been windowed in, but up here it was just an empty shell with piles of drywall and insulation. Huge gaping holes gave us a great view of the East River and Central Park. (pg337)

Wanna tell us at what point you learned of this Upper East Side and East River, Max? Or what drywall is, even. (I have HGTV and This Old House to blame for that, and somehow I doubt Max had access to those.)

I would also like to know how they got up there without being seen.

So then everyone is asleep except for Max ’cause she’s worrying about everything and then the voice makes her fall asleep.

Chapter 108

“We got breakfast,” Fang said, taking a bite of muffin. “You were out for the count.”

As I took my first bite of muffin, I became aware of the quivering tension around me. “What else?”

Fang nodded toward the newspapers.

“I figured you got ’em for the comics,” I said, pulling the pile closer. (pg 340)

Is it just me or does this exchange not make sense?

Anyway, blurry photos of the flock are now in newspapers, so this means the flock can’t go after the Institute.

Don’t ask me, that’s the book’s logic.

Chapter 109

And then the flock run into a salon thing that’s offering free makeovers as long as they can be whatever the stylists want, making the people look completely different. (And Nudge is really into getting a makeover for… some reason.)

Suuuuuuuure.

And yes, that is worthy of eight Us.

Chapter 110

This is also part 6 (!), titled “Who’s Your Daddy, Who’s Your Momma?”

So, yeah.

“That is so cool,” Nudge said approvingly as I turned to let her see the back of my new jean jacket. Of course, I would have to cut huge slits in it to let my wings out, but other than that, it was great. (pg 247)

Okay, so first that’s a completely unnecessary adverb there, but second, I’m still waiting on an explanation of how these slits are going to help at all.

See, if Max’s wings go into indents in her back, that means they’d need to kind of unfurl or uncurl or whatever, right? Not slip out. So already having slits in their clothing’s backs doesn’t quite work. But from there, 1) you know, they’re SLITS. Which are VISIBLE. But 2), assuming they can slip their wings out of their clothing, well, how? Either they can somehow maneuver their wings around to get out of the slits (which wouldn’t be an easy task AT ALL), or they have their wings slightly out of the slits so they can actually get them out… which completely defeats the purpose of not being seen with wings.

So.

Anyway, Max has a surprising grasp of ways to say no (including German and Pig Latin, which are totally things a fourteen-year-old bird kid who grew up in a cage would learn and assimilate into their speech), and now everyone in the flock are getting moderately detailed descriptions of how they look. Never mind that we had practically no idea of what they looked like before.

And then they find a dark area to take off, because nobody will see these bird kids flying in New York, where they apparently have ninety story apartment buildings. And I’m sure there are no helicopters or anything.

Chapter 111

They end up at a beach and go to sleep.

Chapter 112

I took a bite of cookie and chewed. “Hmm,” I said, trying not to spit crumbs. “Clear vanilla notes, too-sweet chocolate chips, distinct flavor of brown sugar. A decent cookie, not spectacular. Still, a good-hearted cookie, not pretentious.” (pg 354)

Maximum, you grew up in a cage. You do not know when chocolate chips are too sweet, or what brown sugar tastes like. I couldn’t tell you what brown sugar tastes like. So shut up.

(What? The book started it.)

I mean, really, though. These kids who grew up in a lab, and then lived in the mountains with naught but a single man and the internet to teach them, somehow act exactly like stereotypical kids. RIIIGHT.

Chapter 113

Blah blah blah Max is being paranoid and then Angel hasn’t come up from under the water.

Chapter 114

They look around for Angel and then she pops up and

“Guess what?” she said happily. “I can breathe under water!” (pg 361)

NO.

NO, NO NO.

NO NO NO NO NO.

Just. Just… no.

THIS IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS, JAMES PATTERSON.

Chapter 115

So Angel apparently has invisible gills in her neck now and so she can breath underwater.

I mean. I just.

I–I–

WHAAAAT?!

Chapter 116

Everyone’s asleep and then everyone isn’t because Erasers. And Max knows that Fang and Iggy woke up (though how we are not told) and apparently there are hundreds of Erasers.

Now, since the Erasers now seem to have thrown away their idiot ball, I’m guessing it’s time for the End of Book Capture Scene followed by the Amazing Action Scene where Everyone Gets Away because of Course They Do.

But that’s just a guess.

So, Ari’s got Max’s throat under his boot, but apparently none of the other members of the flock have been held down by Erasers for some reason.

Then Fang is fighting with Ari and none of the Erasers try to help or anything and then Ari’s about to kill Fang but then

“Ari!”

My eyes went wide. I knew that voice too well.

Jeb. My adopted father. Now my worst enemy. (pg 368)

Still waiting on why he’s your worst enemy.

Chapter 117

Fang was] unconscious but still breathing. (pg 369)

BAHAHAHAHA.

Of all the typos to make, of all the typos to somehow make their way into the published novel… JPatterson somehow manages to add a bracket to the word “was.” I mean, COME ON, those letters aren’t even near the bracket keys!

This proves the book wasn’t edited, right?

Anyway, Max talks with Jeb about nothing in particular and then he goes away.

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4 responses »

  1. That recap was the funniest thing ever. :D

    I’m seriously thinking of making up some sort of Maximum Ride drinking game.

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