Maximum Ride Spork: Part Twenty-Five

Standard

You know, there’s something I noticed: at the beginning of the book, it’s mentioned that Iggy was fine as long as nobody rearranged the furniture (on account of his blindness). Then, later, it was revealed that he uses echolocation. So why does it matter if people rearranged the furniture?

Chapter 118

For some reason Jeb and the Erasers left. Which means maybe they didn’t lose their idiot ball (or the flock tossed it back).

Anyway, Fang is hurt pretty bad and then Max kisses him for no reason.

Chapter 119

Only Fang’s not hurt that bad and so they get back to New York and go to the underground subway thing to sleep.

Then, during the night, Max gets special magical instincts that causes her to grab a lurker’s wrist but it’s just the kid from before, and once again his computer is messed up and he says it might be from a memory chip and Max has a chip in her arm! so she asks him to try to access it but he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 120

Max has a dream that tells her how to get into the Institute (via sewers) because of course she does.

Chapter 121

One other thing I guess I should mention–I was really, really afraid now, more afraid than I’d ever been before, and I didn’t even know why. Maybe I didn’t want to know the truth. Also, my head was throbbing, and that had me a little crazy too. Was I approaching my expiration date? Was I going to die? Was I just going to fall over and be gone from the world and my friends? (pg 281)

This is about the best description of any kind of emotion we get in this book. Considering how pitiful, short, and “tell-not-show”-y this is… yeah.

Anyway, they’re going through the subway system and then they find the sewer system.

Chapter 122

This may surprise you, but the sewer system of a burg with eight million people is even less delightful than you might imagine. (pg 384)

Look, Max, we’re approaching the climax of the book (at least, I hope we are). This is not the time for bad snark.

So they go through the sewers and then find the right place because Max is getting feelings of what is right or not because it’s convenient or something.

Chapter 123

The right place’s door is locked, but Iggy can pick locks so he does and they head down some dark stairs.

Chapter 124

Unlike the sewer, there wasn’t even far-off light on the stairs, so it was pitch black. Fortunately, we could all see pretty well in the dark. Especially Iggy.(pg 389)

Real question here: would bird DNA, assuming bird DNA can just be added to humans, grant special augmentations to the subject’s eyes to let them see in the dark? (I guess this could be extended to the special super-vision mentioned at the beginning of the book.)

And then they find the Institute!

Chapter 125

“Holy [insert a swear word of your choice here],” Fang said, stunned. (pg 391)

(Brackets aren’t mine.) Right, so now swearing is acknowledged.

Blah blah blah, Max can somehow feel the Erasers in the building, it’s before dawn so everything is in sleep mode only one computer is on only it needs a password only Max doesn’t know the password only Nudge suddenly gets magic computer-reading skills and knows the password.

I kid you not. Nudge can now get computer’s passwords.

I literally cannot think of a sentence strong enough to get across how ridiculously stupid that is.

Chapter 126

So it turns out Nudge can touch any object and get a reading of… honestly, I don’t know how to describe it, because it seems like she just gets random information about people who use the object. See:

Nudge went to the next chair and put her hand on it. She closed her eyes and, a few moments later, smiled. “A guy sits here. A baldie. He bites his nails. He went home early yesterday.”

Now, let’s look at all of the things wrong with this development.

1) From a plot standpoint, it sucks. The kids need a password? Voila, Nudge just then gets a magical ability to read objects! It’s too convenient, too stupid. It’s bad.

2) From a scientific standpoint, it’s absolutely broken. Even assuming there wasn’t just bird DNA injected into these kids, I cannot think of a science-based reason that would allow her to just get random bits of information from objects. It’s one thing to know “okay, somebody sat at this chair for this amount of time this amount of time ago,” and another to know if they went home early. Honestly, it’d seem like a really overpowered power if it was magic, let alone science.

3) NO. NO NO NO NO. It’s just TERRIBLE. It has NO REASON to be in this story.

My fingers flew across the keyboard, searching out names, dates, anything I could think of to make a connection. (pg 395)

Fingers flying across the keyboard is acceptable for someone who’s a good typist. Why Max would be a good typist, however, I cannot fathom.

Secondly, there’s the fact that computer mice are surprisingly vital. Keyboards are only used for typing and quick commands, but given that Max wouldn’t know the quick commands for finding super secret files, she’d be using the mouse a lot more than the keyboard.

So then Max gets the information she needs, prints it out, and is ready to go but–

Chapter 127

Gazzy finds a curtain that’s got glass behind it and behind the glass are mutant kids.

This is a one page chapter, by the way, and actually seems to be a valid use of short chapters–it’s a dramatic moment that the short chapters emphasizes. However, when the rest of the book has criminally short chapters anyway, it loses its impact.

Chapter 128

“This is pathetic,” Fang whispered, and I turned to see him looking at a large cat, like a serval of a margay. (pg 398)

I have no idea what servals or margays are. Why does Max know what these are?

So then the flock begin opening cages and letting everyone out.

Chapter 129

Everyone’s running away to get to the sewers and then Ari!

Chapter 130

And because this is the end of the book, Ari’s going on about his character motivation and Max seems rather mean about it all, despite her usual supposed goody-goodiness. Then they’re fighting and it’s a fight, pretty much, and then Ari gets seriously hurt and Max thinks she killed him.

Chapter 131

Then the flock fly.

In the sewers.

JPatterson, I know media tends to portray sewers as being bigger than they really are. That’s okay enough.

But I refuse to believe that there are sewers underneath New York City that are large enough for at least ten-foot wingspans, plus the space to flap up and down and still be able to move. I just don’t.

Anyway, Jeb and Max are yelling to each other as Max flies away, and Jeb calls Ari Max’s brother.

Chapter 132

Oh no is Ari really Max’s brother? Well, who cares because the flock are free now and because it would complicate the book the other experiments are now gone, except for a dog that Angel took because she wants a dog so much?

There’s a brief argument about the dog but because this is Maximum Ride they take the dog.

Chapter 133

Blah blah blah the flock are somewhere safe and then they’re going to read the files.

Chapter 134

Everyone’s finding information on their parents and it’s all happy and everything but there are no files for Max because we have to have angst.

Epilogue

Wooo! This book is finally almost over!

Though actually there is nothing important in the epilogue, just “oh yay we’re flying and friendship!”

So.

The book is over.

I have very poor thoughts of it… which means a review! I should have that up in a couple weeks at most, depending on how much I procrastinate.

Then there’s the matter of continued sporking. My current plans are to spork the entire Maximum Ride series, because they really do just keep getting worse. However, I may not have the next book in time, so I may miss a couple updates.

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6 responses »

  1. You finished sporking the first Maximum Ride book? WOOHOO! :D Success!

    Maybe Iggy’s only pretending to be blind. Maybe he’s secretly the mastermind behind everything! :O (Hey, it makes more sense than some of the plot twists in this series.)

    I think it’d be pretty funny if Fang did say “[insert a swear word of your choice here]” instead of actually swearing, as opposed to Max just editing it out. Actually, he probably did.

  2. “Maybe Iggy’s only pretending to be blind. Maybe he’s secretly the mastermind behind everything! :O (Hey, it makes more sense than some of the plot twists in this series.)”

    See, that would actually be brilliant, hilarious, and awesome. Which means, duh, it won’t happen.

  3. How do you put up with such garbage, page after page? Well, congratulations, and I hope they’re are no long-term effects from mentally ingesting do much stupid, especially with a huge chunk of it at the end.

  4. A very good spork! I esp. enjoyed it when you had guests and it was like MST3K.

    The only explanation for this series’s existence is because Patterson wanted more money. That is what makes the most sense.

    • I’m glad you liked it! Those were a ton of fun for us, too; we all gathered around a single computer as I typed out our conversations.

      What makes that even worse is that JPatterson’s already swimming in cash. *Sigh*

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