Maximum Ride: School’s Out–Forever Spork Part 1

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As far as I can tell, I am the first person to ever spork this book.

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

We start with part one of the book, titled “No Parents, No School, No Rules.” I’m honestly kind of confused as to why these books even need parts.

(And no, you don’t get an introduction from me because I’m no good at them.)

Chapter 1

Sweeping, swooping, soaring, air current thrill rides–there’s nothing better. For miles around, we were the only things in the infinite, wide-open, clear blue sky. You want an adrenaline rush? Try tucking your wings in, dive-bombing for about a mile straight down, then woosh! Wings out, grab an air current like a piut bull, and hang on for the ride of your life. God, nothing is better, more fun, more exciting. (pg 3)

Gee, Max, thank you for telling us about this exciting activity in such a boring way.

Okay, we were mutant freaks, we were on the lam, but man, flying–well, there’s a reason people always dream about it.

He [Gazzy] cackled, several wingspans away from me. There’s nothing like an eight-year-old’s sense of humor. (pg 3)

Max, you can’t have it both ways. Either you’re normal kids with normal senses of humor, or you’re mutant freaks. Pick one.

Also, apparently Max still has a “healing bullet wound,” I’m assuming from way back when she got shot at the beginning of book one. Funnily enough, she includes it in a list of bad things, even though this is the first time it’s been mentioned since Max ditched Ella and Ella’s mom so it’s obviously not that important.

And I’m not even off page two.

Chapter 2

Aha, another pointless chapter break! This one actually interrupts exposition, making it extra clunky. There’s really nothing of note in this chapter, so…

Chapter 3

Um.

This chapter is in third person.

Following an Eraser.

Keep in mind that the first book was introduced as a true story being narrated by Max.

Oh, and the Eraser’s Ari (back from the dead, apparently) because of course it is.

GAAAAAAH.

Chapter 4

Since we’d never been to school, most of what we’d learned was from television or the Internet. (pg 10)

And yet you still know so much!

Then there are flying Erasers and aaah.

Chapter 5

Five chapters in twelve pages. This must be a new record.

Blah blah blah fight scene.

Chapter 6

I’d just like to stop for a moment and point out how silly Erasers are.

I mean, just think. What is the point of having wolfmen in the age of guns and tranquilizer darts? It makes no sense–all it does it make them more conspicuous. And when you add wings, well, why? Especially since it just seems to be for the purpose of capturing the flock. Just shoot them without unnecessary confrontation!

For that matter, the Erasers are a very cumbersome method of security. Why would an evil company doing genetic experiments make all of its security guards be able to grow claws and become furrier? Wouldn’t that be awfully expensive and, well, silly?

Oh, wait, sorry, that’s logic. Maximum Ride knows no logic.

Panting, I ducked as an Eraser swung a black-booted foot at my side, catching me in the ribs but not too hard. (pg 14)

Good thing your bones aren’t hollow and weak oh wait.

Fight scene, whatever, Angel’s using her mind control to make Erasers drop into the ocean (real nice, Angel! You’re totally a sweet and innocent little girl who I care about!), and Iggy has bombs. Which can best be summed up using a passage from the book:

And how did Iggy manage to stash his seemingly endless supply of explosives on his person without my even having a clue? (pg 15)

Not to mention that they weren’t there in the last book, and this is supposedly just twenty-four hours later. So… yay for random explosives?

“You… are… a… fridge… with wings,” Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. “We’re… freaking… ballet… dancers.” (pg 16)

What.

I just.

What.

Why.

Oh, and Ari’s there. Presumably with wings, never mind how horribly impossible that is. But then he’s gone because the Erasers got beat because they tried to manually beat up a bunch of bird kids instead of, you know, shooting them.

Chapter 7

Blah blah blah Max is asking Angel about the minds of the Erasers.

“You mean besides dead Ari showing up?” Gazzy said, sounding bummed. (pg 18)

Something I’ve learned about adverbs in dialogue tags: they rarely do any good. When I try to sound out what this is saying, Gazzy just sounds mopey and depressed, and overall the flow is ruined because I’m trying to pick out how this is being said.

So, a tip: let the dialogue stand on its own. More often than not that’s enough.

Anyway, Angel’s mind-reading continues to be nonsensical, and apparently has no set rules (hence her not knowing when Erasers are coming), and then Fang is hurt and he’s falling out of the sky oh no!

Chapter 8

Fang is really hurt and bleeding badly and he apparently didn’t see fit to let people know he was hurt because reasons and Nudge has an extra shirt from somewhere that they use to bandage the wound. And then there’s a man and he calls 911 and we know this because Max is omniscient.

Chapter 9

Max is telling the three younger members of the flock to go but they refuse, and then paramedics are there, and then:

“Goveryou,” I said tightly, using a secret language that went back to when were were kept in a lab. It was used in cases of extreme emergency when we didn’t want anyone to understand us. (pg 24)

What kind of cases of emergency are these? And how did they work out this secret language without being heard? And why do you need a secret language when you’re growing up in a lab? And how come this language was never mentioned before?

Oh, wait, there’s that logic again.

So now everyone’s going to the hospital!

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24 responses »

  1. Thoroughly enjoyed the sporking of the first book, and this looks to be just as funny- I can’t wait to see what you’ll make of the newer ones. XD

    • Ha, I can’t wait for them–if I can find this much to take issue with in the second book, I can only imagine what the later books (hated even by fans of the originals) will bring.

      EDIT: Derp, I must thank you as well!

      • Trust me- in terms of weirdness, it’s all downhill from here; I enjoy the series, but wasn’t too happy with ANGEL. Oddly, the original series (“When the Wind Blows,” and “The Lake House,”) are a lot more accurate science-wise, than these books, so how it went from that to just plain odd is anyone’s guess XD.

  2. Mwahahaha- I just love that ballet dancer/fridges with wings line. So ridiculous, it almost manages to be awesome. Almost. If the Maximum Ride movie ever gets made, I want that line to be in the trailer.

  3. Clearly, you don’t understand a lot of book, your making up stupid things to make it look stupid. Ari got wings from DNA for one. And if you re-read it and pay extra attention you’ll understand it. And the very beginning, it is interesting how she says how wonderful this experience is, I don’t think you understand this book very much. Your posting an awful review for an amazing book.

    • “Clearly, you don’t understand a lot of book, your making up stupid things to make it look stupid.”

      If you could point to any of those things…?

      “Ari got wings from DNA for one.”

      DNA is not magic. DNA cannot add wings to a functioning human/wolf hybrid. While scientific conceits are acceptable for the sake of storytelling in many cases, the storytelling behind it must then be closely examined: when Ari’s wings are ultimately pointless and nothing is added to the story because of it, breaking science for its sake is not okay.

      “And if you re-read it and pay extra attention you’ll understand it.”

      Understand what? How Ari got his wings? Because I understand that: I just don’t think it’s possible.

      “And the very beginning, it is interesting how she says how wonderful this experience is, I don’t think you understand this book very much.”

      ?? Very beginning of what? Who is “she?” How do I not understand this book?

      “Your posting an awful review for an amazing book.”

      Tell me why it’s an amazing book, and we can talk. However, I have expressed why I think this book is awful on numerous occasions (though I only have one review for it, and you have not commented on that review despite seeming to being discussing it here, so what’s up with that?), and so I don’t think your opinion carries much weight right now.

      But, thanks for commenting! Though I always prefer specifics to vague statements, I must stress that criticism of what I do is perfectly fine. After all, I’m criticizing someone else! I also want to make it clear that I have no issue with people who like the books; your literary taste is your own business, and there are certainly things in the series that can be enjoyed.

      • The beginning, the first paragraph where she’s flying on the book. And, no, DNA is not magic, they get it from a certain bird to put in Ari, this is why I’m saying you don’t quite understand some of it. He was dead, they brought him back to life. And I think they were saying the wings weren’t completely his because they had a hard time carrying his weight.
        And I didn’t mean understand how Ari got his wings. I meant understand the book itself. It may not be possible–but the book itself isn’t possible. It’s science FICTION.
        It’s an amazing book in my opinion. He explains things. Their adventure is interesting. The whole story is interesting. I think that the whole entire thing can be enjoyed.

        • Ooh! You mean, as in Max being enthusiastic about flying? Yep, I got that; my issue was that I found the prose describing it incredibly dull and lifeless. That *is* a subjective value, but *shrug* Some people like things, some people don’t, and I think negative opinions are just as fine as positive ones.

          “And I didn’t mean understand how Ari got his wings. I meant understand the book itself. It may not be possible–but the book itself isn’t possible. It’s science FICTION.”

          See, I prefer to stress the SCIENCE part of “science fiction,” and I suppose its here our opinions differ–and I certainly don’t see anything wrong with your opinion, so I’m not sure this discussion will go anywhere. XD

          “It’s an amazing book in my opinion. He explains things. Their adventure is interesting. The whole story is interesting. I think that the whole entire thing can be enjoyed.”

          I really, truly am happy you enjoyed the books–liking more books is WAY better than liking less books, as I’ve been finding lately (I’ve enjoyed maybe three books in the last half month). However, I’m not sure how your opinion factors into things: I can’t change your opinion, you can’t change mine, so unless we can work from more objective standards any discussion is moot.

          Also, I know this sounds kind of repetitive, but I want to thank you again for commenting. It’s rare to find a person disagreeing with a spork who isn’t just a troll who disappears after one or two comments.

          • Oh, so science is what your most worrying about. I get it. You probably read it because of the science. Well, I guess it is my opinion about it being an amazing book and they’re are some flaws.
            Thank you for responding to my comment and making me understanding.

          • I’m glad we could come to a sort-of agreement! I’m not kidding when I say that warms my heart. (Though not literally. Just metaphors for my heart, unfortunately.)

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