Maximum Ride: School’s Out–Forever Spork Part 9

Standard

I just want to take a moment to say that we’re currently three thirds of the way through the book and so far no plot has been resolved. Though I suppose for it to be resolved there has to be a plot in the first place; so far, this book has just been “living with Anne, school, finding our parents, blah blah blah.” Hopefully we’ll now get some semblance of plot since the flock are no longer with Anne, but I’m not optimistic.

Chapter 94

Max meets up with Fang, fight scene, then Ari’s there and Ari on Fang fight scene!

Why isn’t Max helping? Well, because this:

I wanted to jump in and help, but I sensed it was one of those boy things and I should stay out of it unless Fang was really getting his butt kicked. (pg 270)

What.

Max, how is Ari attacking your brother a “boy thing”? Why is it not appropriate for you to jump in and help your freaking brother because he’s being attacked by another boy?

And she says she isn’t sexist. HA.

(Well, okay, she just points out others’ supposed sexism, but that is much more bulky to say.)

No other Erasers seemed to be around, amazingly, and choppers didn’t suddenly appear. It was just your basic one-on-one mutant-vs.-mutant fight. (pg 270)

How convenient for the “drama” of this scene.

Anyway, Fang knocks out Ari or whatever. I really don’t care about anything going on in this book anymore.

Chapter 95

Max and Fang get to the bat cave and Angel says why not go to Florida (because of Disney World. Don’t ask me how she knows so much about Disney World or cares about it for that matter)? so they decide to go to Florida.

Chapter 96

Part 5 as well, called “Back to Saving the World.” Because apparently that was ever something they were doing?

We’re with Ari for this chapter, as for some reason he’s telling Jeb his kidnap Max plan. Jeb, for some reason, decides to go along with this plan.

(I know I keep reusing terms but that’s only ’cause the book reuses nonsense.)

These villains just aren’t very consistent or threatening or interesting or any good adjective for a villain to have.

Chapter 97

Have you ever–no, I guess you never have. If you’ve never flown with hawks, there’s no way you’d be able to understand what it’s like. Maybe if you’ve swum with sharks or something, not like at SeaWorld but in the ocean. That might be kind of close to this feeling. (pg 279)

If there’s no possible way I could understand this sensation, Max is just gloating.

Real nice, Max.

Irrelevant stuff and then Total gets knocked out of Iggy’s arms oh no!

Chapter 98

Max drops to find Total, lands on a glider plane because of course she does, and grabs Total.

Real tense, exciting scene there. Real relevant to the plot at hand, too. (That being serious, as there is no plot.)

Chapter 99

Ari is in a department store, and we get treated to some obnoxious, Max-like narration. Also this weird bit:

Oh, so gross, the underwear department. There was a lady right there, holding a bra! Out in the open! Oh, my God–was she crazy? Ari turned away and kept walking, fast. (pg 287)

I mean.

What.

Then he sees Game Boys, gets one unclipped from its display (is this standard practice, selling a handheld right from the display? I’d think he’d get a box) by an employee, and then walks off with it, starting to play a game that for some reason is loaded onto this new Game Boy that’s intended for sale.

JPatterson, I know it’s hard, but please at least try to do a bit of research into how handhelds work before featuring them in your story. See, the thing is, the Game Boy was released in 1989 by Nintendo. The Game Boy Advanced SP, the newest Game Boy line handheld, was released in 2003. The Nintendo DS, Nintendo’s successor to the Game Boy, was released in 2004.

Now, while Game Boy is an acceptable term for Game Boy Advanced SP, there is no getting around the fact that by 2005, the time this book is set in, the Game Boy would be obsolete. So.

Ari leaves the store and morphs into an Eraser to scare away the guards.

I’m really not sure what’s going on. Is this a real, published book? Because it seems like some sort of random fan fiction… thing that is just a collection of random scenes of a person’s favorite characters.

Chapter 100

A hundred chapters and the most plot development has been Iggy finding his parents and then not staying with them.

*Sigh*

Nothing relevant actually happens in this chapter.

Chapter 101

“How long till we get to Florida?” Nudge asked. “Are we really going to Disney World? DO you think we’ll see anyone famous? I want to go to the Swiss Family Tree-house. I want to see Beauty and the Beast and get their autographs. I want to see the Tree of Life–” (pg 294)

The heck, Nudge? You grew up in a cage and in isolation in the mountains. Why do you care so much about Disney World?

Bizarre, inconsistent characters aside, the flock decide to go to the beach.

Actually, that’s just more weird characterization, because for some reason they love the beach so much?

Chapter 102

Max does her super-flying to get to the beach first, and…

It was time for the chip to go. The Voice came from the chip, I was sure of it. No chip, no Voice inside my head that I couldn’t get away from. I pressed my lips together hard and started sawing at my forearm, where I had seen the chip on an X-ray, three lifetimes ago, in Dr. Martinez’s office. (pg 298)

…Right.

The flock arrive at just the time it’s convenient (as Max has damaged herself but not too seriously) and Fang starts fixing up Max’s arm.

Chapter 103

They keep telling me I’m supposed to save the word, but how, and from what, I don’t even know.” [Max said.]

Angel reached out and patted my knee. “From, you know, after everything gets blown up and most of the people are gone. We’ll be stronger, and able to fly, so we can leave the blown-up parts and find some nice land that isn’t blown up or contan–contama–”

“Contaminated?” Iggy provided, and Angel nodded.

“Yeah, that. Then we can keep on living, even if there are hardly any people left.” (pg 301)

Chapter 104

Turns out Angel got this information from her handy-dandy mind-reading while at the School (stuff that very conveniently was never mentioned during the book she was actually at the School in), and that the School’s scientists theorize a single company will be responsible for the bombing.

(I think it’ll be EA.)

So, uh, that’s a plot, I guess? Yay?

“Hey!” said Angel, standing up in knee-high water. “I can talk to fish!” (pg 305)

Well, that piece of ridiculousness seems like a good place to end this spork.

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16 responses »

  1. With regards to the game console thing- never have I seen any shop display a console in a case, unless it was in the window, or a PC. Generally, they’re behind the counter.

    I wish they had kept up with the “finding their parents,” plot, though- some scenes with Iggy would’ve been nice, or a bit of expansion on the whole, media coverage thing.

    • “With regards to the game console thing- never have I seen any shop display a console in a case, unless it was in the window, or a PC. Generally, they’re behind the counter.”

      Well, it is a handheld, but the books describes them as being “eight Game Boys, all different colors, cabled to a shelf.” It’s kinda nonsensical.

      “I wish they had kept up with the “finding their parents,” plot, though- some scenes with Iggy would’ve been nice, or a bit of expansion on the whole, media coverage thing.”

      Yeah, given that JPatterson has shown that he can go into third person in this first person book, actually *seeing* Iggy interact with his parents would have made it infinitely more interesting. Just getting a paragraph of after-the-fact exposition is just plain lazy and detracts from what should have been a moving scene.

      • The last time I’ve seen gameboys in different colors displayed at once was back when Game Boy Color was released. What store was Ari in? It’d make sense if he was in a used videogame store that sold such systems, but if it was a regular store then Ari must have gained the ability to travel back to the late 90’s/early 00’s.

        Also you can buy displays (in fact they tend to be much cheaper) but this usually done if they are sold out the products being advertised and/or it is sold so the seller can earn more (if it is a pay by commission store and not a pay-by-hour store).

        • It was some fictional department store (hence the underwear department bit).

          Yeah, that’s what I’d think, and the store employee even said the handhelds were popular… but considering the time, nope, no way they’re popular.

  2. “Oh hey I just found out I can !”

    Yeah, JPat has officially joined the legion of woefully out of touch old people trying to seem hip or with it.
    How does this dreck get a movie option?!

  3. Another point to add is that at least in the graphic novel Fang ambushes Ari and kicks him into a tree, knocking him unconscious. Here Max is just being a poor team mate.

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