Part 3: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Okay, so no idea if I got the capitalization right since the title is in all caps in the book, but regardless: gag.
What do you know? It wasn’t all a dream after all. And somehow my hand still worked now. So, bonus. (pg 167)
This is undoubtedly the most blatant example of plot-convenience in the entire series.
So the flock grab the supplies Max and Fang left before finding the others, then head up north. Max also tells us a little about her impeccable internal compass:
At the School, when we were little, they’d done tons of experiments searching for our magnetism sensors, which tell us where magnetic north is.
They didn’t find them. (pg 167)
Okay, so maybe this is the most blatant? I dunno, it’s too close to call.
They continue to head north, and it gets colder as they do so, but somehow none of them have issues with the likely freezing air.
Then oh noes, they’re out of food!
Max decides they’ll head for the vacation home they found early in the first book, which she can of course find with her special compass.
Never mind that that’s not how compasses work, but anyway: Fang does not like this plan, but Max digs her feet in and so it is decided.
So, uh, JPatterson, if you could stop with the barely-over-one-page chapters?
Oh. Okay, I guess. It’s your book.
Imagine, if you will, a somewhat run-down, not very much used vacation hacienda. For those of us without even an everyday hacienda, the notion of having a vacation one makes us positively giddy. Even an unrenovated one. (pg 171)
In an amazing stroke of luck (not that they ever have bad luck), the house’s occupants are just leaving as the flock arrive, so the flock are free to gorge themselves on the house’s food supply.
Then! Fang decides that Max has to choose between him or Ari.
“Gosh, Fang, you romantic fool,” I said sarcastically. (pg 174)
I think it says something about JPatterson’s target audience that he felt the need to specify the sarcasm here.
In any case, Fang and Max argue for a bit over whether or not to let Ari stay with the flock (Max being for it, and Fang being not for it), and ultimately Fang decides to fly off.
I’m going to assume that since Max is our protagonist and Always Right, she’ll be right and Fang will come around to Ari and Ari will be a good guy.
You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 177)
Today’s date: Already Too Late! (pg 177)
You are visitor number: 28,772,461 (pg 177)
As you may have guessed, this chapter is a supposed excerpt from Fang’s Blog, basically just reiterating what the By-Half Plan is (kill anyone not deemed useful!). Also, there’s the matter of the 28 million views.
Wait a sec, random question: how did the Eraser robots find the flock (minus Fang and Max)? ‘Cause I have no idea.
Anyway, Max waits a bit, Fang comes back, and they have a chat over stuff. I dunno, it’s all rather dull to me, and the characters are actually acting halfway human, so there’s not much material to poke fun at.
The next morning, Fang decides that he’s going to go off on his own and follow leads he gets via his blog.
Iggy and Gazzy are going to join him, while Angel, Nudge, Ari, and Total (do I have to list him as a character that actually exists?) are sticking with Max.
Max is now completely lost as to what to do, and then the voice tells her to go to Europe because the voice is helpful at just the right times! It’s basically the cheatiest plot device ever.
Oh, thank God. Goddess. Whatever. (pg 187)
Today in Maximum Ride things I actually like, take a look at these five words!
So, yeah. The voice tells Max to go to England and look for capital-S Schools, and because of the ocean thing it’s decided that they’ll take a plane.
Total frowned. “Isn’t that redundant?” (pg 189)
Bleeping dog knows about bleeping redundancy.
Flying west without Max was like flying with one wing missing, Fang thought. (pg 190)
First, the wording of this sentence makes it sound like the west part of flying is important, which would mean flying south without Max would be just fine. Second, I can’t figure out the purpose of the “Fang thought” tag. Either it’s marking the stuff before it as direct thought, which clashes with the book’s scheme of using italics for direct thought (and also every other word, but that’s another thing) as well as the laws of how people think, or it’s marking the stuff before it as Fang’s opinion, which is unnecessary because of the third-person limited perspective the book makes use of. (Third-person limited is basically where the book is in third person, but the narration is tied directly into the thoughts of the character whom it’s following.)
Flying west, etc. etc.
Say! Has Nudge’s magical ability of reading objects even been mentioned in this book so far? Honestly, it’s like JPatterson isn’t even trying.
Moving on, Fang’s group are now in L.A., and while he and Gazzy are looking at maps for… some purpose, Iggy is very irritated that Fang is not describing girls to him.
The Fang complies, and
He never would have done this in front of Max, Fang thought. She would have been all over him like ugly on an ape, telling him what a sexist pig he was. (pg 195)
At the risk of agreeing with Max, I must say that I agree with Max.
But really, this entire sequence is more bizarre than anything. It also makes me dislike Iggy, which is a shame because up until now he was pretty much the only character who was vaguely likeable.
And then oh no, Eraser robots!
We’re with an entry on Fang’s blog now, telling us about the Eraser robot attack–though he first wonders about how the Eraser robots found them, which is a question I echo. I wonder if we’ll ever get an answer.
Oh, and by the way? This blog post is all in perfect grammar. I don’t think I need to explain why that’s wrong.
The Eraser robots apparently numbered at about 200, but this was no match for Fang’s group–they managed to get all 200 of the robots to crash into the Hollywood sign. Which, no. Just no.
The next chapter looks to be fictional comments on Fang’s blog, but unfortunately this spork part has reached a good length and so I’ll have to save that for next time. Till next time, I am horrified of what is to come!