Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports Spork Part 9

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Chapter 67

Kewl dude 326 said . . . (pg 199)

No!

Sugargrrl said . . .(pg 199)

Noooo!

Heather said . . . (pg 199)

Oh, okay.

As you may have guessed (or surmised from me telling you), this chapter is a bunch of fictional comments on Fang’s blog. Maybe one of them (from “Heather”) actually sounds somewhat realistic; the rest are grammatical messes even real people don’t make filled with bizarre reasoning that only comes from people like JPatterson not knowing what kids are like.

Also, all of these kids believe that there are kids with wings flying about, despite the pretty much zero evidence to support it. AKA they apparently cannot separate fact from apparent fiction.

Chapter 68

Max explains how Angel used her mind control to make people not notice Total or Ari (Ari because he’s permanently half-wolf), get them first-class plane tickets, and extra meals to boot!

Now watch as Angel doesn’t use these ridiculous powers to, I dunno, stop the bad guys.

Then Max and Nudge get a nice moment in which Nudge is surprisingly adorable and likeable. There are good qualities to these books, even if they’re few and far in between.

Chapter 69

Max’s group arrive in London, and

The Voice was MIA, and we were on our own.

Which was fine. I’d gotten us all this far. The Voice was a recent phenomenon, and as far as I was concerned, it could stay gone. (pg 206)

Well, let’s see. Max escaped the School because of Jeb, lived up in the mountains because of Jeb (and then had to make about zero Big Decisions when he disappeared since their house was magical), rescued Angel, went to New York, and then it was the voice from then on. That’s two and a quarter out of three books, which is pretty sizable if you ask me.

Max says they should start researching Itex, but Total of course has to interrupt:

“Whoa, whoa, hold the phone,” said Total. “We’re in London. Are you telling me we’re not going to go see the Crown Jewels?” (pg 206)

I know I sound like a broken record, but Total shouldn’t even have heard of London until the flock were heading there, let alone the Crown Jewels. Remember, he’s a dog. That lived in a cage. But apparently he’s a pop culture whiz who possesses a human consciousness!

Anyway, the rest of Max’s group pile on the idea of checking out the sights, and the voice tells Max to let them and so it is decided.

It’s like JPatterson doesn’t even want Max to have to make decisions; everything’s directed by the voice, which is just an excuse for JPatterson to control the plot independent of his characters.

Chapter 70

The flock check out a museum before heading over to Madame Tussauds (which, to my knowledge, is essentially a wax sculpture museum).

“I don’t know who any of these ‘famous’ people are,” said Angel, once we were inside Tussauds.

“Me neither,” said Nudge, sounding disappointed.

“Me neither,” said Ari.

“Um, I think this one is Brad Pitt,” I said, pointing. “Who knew he was this tall?”

“Who’s Brad Pitt?” Angel asked.

Total tsked and scratched behind one ear with a hind leg. “Only a world-famous movie star,” he said. “Read a paper sometimes, will you?” (pg 210)

I just.

WHYYY.

Chapter 71

Time to find Itex!

There office was in . . .

“Threadgill-on-Thames?” Nudge read carefully.

“It sounds like a tweed theme park,” said Angel. (pg 212)

Angel, please tell me what a tweed theme park is, because I have no idea. (And you said you didn’t know who Brad Pitt is!)

Total corrects Nudge’s pronunciation, too, because of course he does.

Max introspects for a bit, thinking about Fang, and then Nudge breaks her out of it and it’s decided that they’ll fly to the Itex office.

Chapter 72

They’re now at the Itex office, which is dark and gloomy and used to be a prison, because of course.

Chapter 73

Everyone prepares to enter the office, but the voice interrupts with a Hydra analogy; evidently, this office is not the actual base of Itex, and so they have to keep looking.

I’m looking at something different, though: how JPatterson managed to waste five pages on a completely pointless diversion (going to this Itex office).

So, yeah, Max randomly chooses France, and everyone wants pastries because of course.

I stifled a response–had Madame Tussauds taught them nothing?–and took off into the chilly night, kind of feeling like Harry Potter escaping from the Dursleys. Except in our world, Dursleys were everywhere, were heavily funded, and had a strong scientific bent. (pg 220)

Remember how JPatterson compared his villains to Hitler? Well, now he’s comparing Max to Harry Potter.

Chapter 74

Los Angeles, gangbangers, huh! (pg 221)

What.

“If they’re not the Crips or the Bloods, does that mean they’re the Cruds?” Iggy asked in all seriousness. (pg 221)

WHAT.

Okay, so it would seem Fang’s group have been taken in by a gang galled the Ghosts, since the gang’s leader reads Fang’s blog, and so Fang’s group get some rest at a Ghost residence.

Chapter 75

Apparently the “go to People magazine” plan is happening now, and Fang manages to get himself, another fourteen-year-old, and an eight-year-old into the building under the guise of delivering food.

I’d let that one sink in for a moment, if I were you.

Upon reaching their destination, however, Fang completely bungles everything and security gets called.

Chapter 76

They get thrown out, of course, but not before a wacky chase scene.

Chapter 77

Does anyone even know what this book is about anymore?

Fang’s group are eating hot dogs when oh no, Eraser robots! They number at about 80, which makes perfect sense: when 200 fail, send 80!

I mean, what.

Chapter 78

Fight time!

So, yeah. It’s a fight scene, nothing new, though it is striking how before, the flock would just hold their ground against twenty Erasers, and now they’re fighting against way more Eraser robots (which are obviously stronger).

I don’t think JPatterson understand how power creeps work.

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11 responses »

  1. They can fly at ridiculous speeds and yet they ride in a plane… Total is such an annoying mutt that he is actually even worse than the rapping dog from the animated Titanic movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxHNztg0X3s Also the filler. What is with the filler? Did Patterson forget he was writing an adventure story? And those robo-erasers are more useless than the regular erasers! Going back to Power Rangers again, the mooks would become MORE powerful as the season/series continued, not weaker!

    • He may not rap, but some of the other characters all start randomly singing in a later book… Tis embarassing just to read.

  2. I’m sure JK Rowling is just so flattered at the thought of Max comparing herself to Potter. :P
    Still…Harry vs Hitler would certainly make for an interesting battle.

  3. This section is like…The stupidity is increasing, marching towards a critical mass which will result in a nuclear explosion of dumbness.

    “No evidence”? Like 200 robots destroying one of the would’ve most iconic and recognizable landmarks?!

    And of course, Los Angeles = gangbangers. I live and few up in L.A. It’s not like you can’t walk a block without seeing a drive-thru. This reeks of sheltered middle class old white guy syndrome.

    The Cruds?! Stupid! Everyone knows it’s the Blips. Sheesh. (for those who can’t detect sarcasm, that was a joke. Crops/Bloods haven’t really been a “thing” since the mid-90s anyway)

    Although I find it funny that JPat made the gang members to be a positive element by helping the kids. Kind of funny and goes against his usual stereotyping.

    • ““No evidence”? Like 200 robots destroying one of the would’ve most iconic and recognizable landmarks?!”

      Oh, woops. I did not think of that.

      Though that makes one wonder why there’s not a national panic over the whole “robots destroyed the Hollywood sign” thing.

      “Although I find it funny that JPat made the gang members to be a positive element by helping the kids. Kind of funny and goes against his usual stereotyping.”

      I do like that, yes.

      • I gotta ask – does JPat write the gang members’ dialogue as … how to put this … phonetic transcriptions of “the stereotypical African-American/Latino”? Just curious how he handled it..

        • I’m honestly unsure; I’m not familiar enough with the stereotypes. From my uninformed opinion, though, I’d say the actual wording was just more informal–the actual voices of the characters would make it or break it, I think.

          • Not familiar enough with the stereotypes? How are you not? Not ragging on you or anything, but this puzzles/interests/fascinates me. TV shows/movies tend to do it all the time, or at least they used to before being overly scrutinized. I haven’t watched TV in 2 years, so for all I know it’s all squeaky-clean and stereotype-free! Yeah right.

            [SUPER-SENSITIVE PEOPLE, LOOK AWAY! DON’T FLAME ME!]

            So I’ll give you a couple of examples. Please note: I’m not a racist, I’m not being prejudiced, I’m just saying I can imagine that if someone with um… little or no awareness of cultural sensitivity might write a (in their mind) “stereotypical gang member”: So.. yeah. Anyway, examples-

            “African-American gang member”: Yo, n***a, ‘sup? Ay, I heard about you bird kids form yo’ blog. If you need a place to crash, you lemme know, ok cuz?”

            “Latino gang member”: Ayyy vato (or ese), is them erasers still after you, mang? You need a place to rest your culo, you let me know, and my homies and I will hook you up.”

            I doubt he would write them as Italian or Russian gang members, but who knows with JPat

            Something along those lines, perhaps littered with additional “slang” consistent with whoever is talking.

            [THANKS! SENSITIVE TOPIC, I KNOW – THANKS FOR BEING GOOD SPORTS]

            So yeah.. I was just wondering how JPat, who seems to like writing kids’/teens’ as it would be spoken by them, approached the dialogue for gang members in L.A., since the gangs out here are primarily made up of non-white people/”minorities”.

            **backs away slowly from sensitive subject**

          • Yeah, they’re nothing like that bad–it’s pretty tame, I’m just not sure where the “more casual” and “racial stereotype” lines converge.

          • Responding to ELLama: “Yeah, they’re nothing like that bad–it’s pretty tame, I’m just not sure where the “more casual” and “racial stereotype” lines converge.”

            Pretty much if you start to roll your eyes and there’s an overabundance of wording which you can’t picture being said by anyone (i.e. would a white guy sound normal saying this as well as an African-American as well as a Latino, etc.) that’s thin ice. It’s amazing how … not necessarily “insensitive” in a purposely offensive way, but “unaware” some authors are when writing certain racially-oriented dialects.

            There’s an acceptable/”realistic” amount, but sometimes you read something and are like … “Has this person ever even MET someone of **insert ethcnicity here** descent?” since it sounds like all they’re sort of compiling and repeating terrible stereotypes found in popular media. After reading the next chapter’s spork you did, where JPat shows complete disregard or unawareness of realistic computer knowledge, I wouldn’t have been too surprised if he overdid it with the gang dialogue, still thinking it’s acceptable like it was in the 1980’s.

            I can’t wait to see what weird archaic “old guy” stuff he comes up with next. Like thinking teenagers still go to ice cream socials and play with the jukebox at the diner they go to after school every day or something, heh.

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