The Final Warning Spork Part 3: Special Edition


Hi! Today I will be joined by the wonderful Alesand to go through chapters 8, 9, and 10 of The Final Warning. The spork got pretty long, so check under the cut to read it!

Chapter 8

You’ve all seen the Capitol Building in Washington DC, like on postcards, right? It’s the big white one with the dome on top that isn’t the White House. Anyway, it’s gigundo.

Alesand: Gigundo? Instead of adjectives such as gigantic, massive, and immense, Max chooses to use what sounds like a Godzilla opponent.

EmotedLlama: Yeah, I mean, where the heck did she pick that up? I don’t think I’ve ever even heard the term!

We drove up in our black limousine, feeling like celebrities. Inside we were led trough a series of hallways and stairs until we were in a large conference room with a great view of some gardens.

EmotedLlama: “some gardens” is easily one of the funniest lines I’ve read in a long time.

In the conference room, about twenty people sat around a big wooden table. Some of the people were in military uniforms. Everyone sat up and turned to stare at us when we came in, surrounded by Secret Service agents. I didn’t even know I wanted to hold someone’s hand until Mom laced her fingers in mine and gave a squeeze. Suddenly it all seemed better.

EmotedLlama: This writing is… really reliant on “this happened. Then this happened.” sentences.

Alesand: Edging on the purple prose.

EmotedLlama: Yeah.

“Welcome. Thank you for coming.” A tall man in an olive green uniform came forward and solemnly shook hands with Jeb, then Mom, then all of us kids.

EmotedLlama: How does one shake hands “solemnly”?

Alesand: Why does she keep refering to all of her flock as kids? I believe most of them are above 12 or so. Also, who says “us kids?”

EmotedLlama: Max does.

Alesand: I mean what teen girl talks like that?

EmotedLlama: One who makes no sense?

Alesand: Or an old man pretending to be one without actually asking a teen girl how she talks.

EmotedLlama: Hmm, I wonder why that is.

“Please sit down. Would you care for something to drink? We have coffee, tea, soda, ice water . . . Oh, and I see you brought your dog. A cute little Scottie.” He smiled uncertainly, as if wondering why someone had let in animal into the building. I bit my lip, wondering if Total was going to mouth off. But he didn’t. He just seethed quietly and hopped up onto his own chair by Angel’s.

EmotedLlama: Is it just me or is Max getting more omniscient? I mean, how does one get across such a complex idea through a smile?

Alesand: Too much description for just a smile. Angel can read minds, but Max in this paragraph is attempting to use similar powers without actually possessing them.

EmotedLlama: Let’s hope she doesn’t do that with Angel’s water-breathing. Actually, on second thought…

Alesand: I would like to see Max dive 100 ft. or so into the ocean and attempt to breathe with nobody there to rescue her.

EmotedLlama: Sounds fun!

The next hour was like, “This is your life, mutant bird kids!” They didn’t have any pictures or film of us when we were little and still living in dog crates at the School. But the past six months were decently documented.

EmotedLlama: Any reason for why those last two sentences aren’t one? Any reason at all?

Alesand: Can’t think of any.

They had films of us flying, way overhead, and footage of various fights with people, Erasers, and the latest heinous incarnation of enemies, the Flyboys. There was some footage of us just chilling at Anne Walker’s house in northern Virginia. It made me tense up and get mad all over again.

EmotedLlama: “This happened. Then that happened. It made me feel this.” Seriously, this writing is crappy.

Alesand: How would the government be documenting all of this? This is more nonsensical then the mini spy machines used by Dr. Gero in DBZ!

EmotedLlama: And why are they showing the flock this? It makes no sense.

Last, there were about three minutes of choppy, grainy film that had been shot inside Itex’s picturesque German headquarters. It showed me squaring off against Omega, poster boy for pathetic losers. It showed the riot tat some of the clones had started, and the crowd of angry kids breaking through the castle wall.

Alesand: Why would the film be choppy and grainy if it was most likely recorded with state of the art equipment by either the government or Itex?

EmotedLlama: Maybe it was cellphone footage? Though I wonder how that would’ve got there.

Alesand: Max is picking on a mentally dependant boy who was intentionally created to be that way. She also ignores the fact that it was Angel who started the riot. I don’t recall kids breaking through walls. If I recall correctly, they busted down the main gate.

EmotedLlama: Basically, JPatterson knows nothing about what he wrote a book ago. Wonderful.

It showed Ari dying.

The film stopped, and the dimmed lights brightened. Shades lifted automatically, revealing the large window again. Now I was in a totally rotten mood. It was bad enough that I was all dressed up like some fashion geek, but I’d managed to not think about Ari for five minutes, and then I had to watch him die all over again. I snuck a glance at Jeb, who was white faced, one had clenched tightly around a pencil as he stared at the table.

Alesand: She doesn’t mention earlier thinking about Ari. 5 minutes ago she said she was feeling like a celebrity when she was in the limousine. And why is she complaining about a change in fashion? She enjoyed her make-over in New York. Plus I’d doubt her clothes would hold together very well after living out in the wild for as long as she has.

“You six are most impressive.” A woman in a tailored gray skirt-suit stood up and poured herself a glass of water. She smiled at us, but it was the kind of smile that didn’t reach her eyes.”

Alesand: A smile that doesn’t reach her eyes? How about “her eyes did not reflect the joy as expressed by her lips?” At least that would be logical.

EmotedLlama: Oh man, now I’m imagining someone literally smiling to their eyes.

Alesand: “Let’s put a smile on that face!” *Joker grin* And why do we care about what this woman is wearing? Is she ever going to return?

EmotedLlama: Maybe she’ll return… AS THE JOKER!

Alesand: Or as kuchisake-onna.

EmotedLlama: …Oh my.

“We’ve asked you to come here today because we’re very interested in your future,” said an older man. “We—the American government, that is—didn’t know of your existence until quite recently. Now that we know, we want to protect you and also explore whether we can be useful to each other.”

Alesand: But you’ve known about their existence for at least a year or so. If it was recent it would have been discovering them in the last few months.

They were certainly putting their cards on the able. Usually there was a lot of mumbo jumbo about how special and unique we were, et cetera, but what they were always really getting at was: Can we make you do what we want you to?

EmotedLlama: “usually”? When else has this happened?

Alesand: “explore whether we can be useful to each other” This does not equal “Can we make you do what we want you to?”

EmotedLlama: Apparently Max thinks the government people are lying, despite the fact that Angel hasn’t said as much.

Alesand: Angel could send Max a mental message if there were any ill planning among any of those government members but has not. It shouldn’t be a problem due to the fact she hypnotised the president before. Now that I’m thinking about it, why would Max be impressed with the size of the government buildings? She visited them before back in book 2.

EmotedLlama: Maybe she didn’t expect the readers to remember. Wouldn’t surprise me.

So far the answer had always been “Nope!”

The man paused, looking at us one by one, as if waiting for a response. He got none.

Alesand: I would think that Jeb or Martinez would have responded.

“One way we could be useful to you would be for us to create a school, a place where you could live safely.” A younger blond woman was talking to us, but clearly her words were aimed at Jeb and my mom. Like they made decisions for us or something. “You’re very gifted at survival, but there are significant gaps in your education. We could fill in those gaps, help you realize your full potential.”

Alesand: Max could use the education, esp. in vocabulary.

EmotedLlama: No kidding.

Again there was a pause while the government people waited for us to jump up and down with excitement over the idea of going to school. School was, of course, an unfortunate word choice on their part.

EmotedLlama: Didn’t stop you from going to school in book 2.

“To what end?” My voice was clear, no wavering.

“Excuse me?” The younger woman looked at me.

“What would you guys get out of it?” I asked. “Besides the sheer joy of helping us fulfill our potential.”

“We would get to study you, frankly,” said a tall, lean man who, I kid you not, looked just like Bill Nye the Science Guy. “You’re like nothing we’ve ever seen before. The idea that human children can actually fly is mind-blowing. While you’re at the school, we could study you, understand the physical changes that enable you to fly.”

Alesand: Logical reasoning. Maybe they could get the actual Bill Nye to teach them. I’d go to school for that!

EmotedLlama: I do wonder why it was necessary to specify that he looked just like Bill Nye, though. I mean, whaa?

Alesand: Could have been worse. The scientist could have looked and sounded like Frank N’ Furter.

EmotedLlama: I have a feeling it’s a good thing that I’m not familiar with who that is.

“To what end?” I asked again. “So that you can make more of us?”

The man looked genuinely surprised. “No,” he said. “Just to . . . understand.”

I decided I liked him. Too bad he was one of Them.

Alesand: Who is “Them?” And how would she know who “Them” is/are?

EmotedLlama: I think Them is just an umbrella term for people Max doesn’t like. Basically, it’s silliness.

Okay, say you get to study us,” I said agreeably. “Somehow you get us to believe that it wouldn’t be a complete nightmare for us to be hooked up to sensors while we run on treadmills, or to hold our own in wind tunnels while you film us flying. Then what?”


Alesand: I would be silent too due to these random accusations of experiments. They said they wanted to study her, not experiment on her.

EmotedLlama: That’s Max for you, jumping to conclusions.

Alesand: Also, why does she never explain specifically all that happened in the “School?” It can’t be worse than what occurs in Hellraiser.

EmotedLlama: I assume that JPatterson just has no idea.

Alesand: Hard for me to sympathise with her when I have little idea what happened there.

EmotedLlama: That’s a really good point, actually.

Chapter 9

An older man with the collar stars of a general spoke next. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what else?” I said. “You study us; you get the warm fuzzies from helping us with all that potential we have lying around. What else do you want from us?”

The general’s blue eyes were cold and intelligent in a ruddy, grandfatherly face.

EmotedLlama: Uh… thanks for that random bit of description?

Alesand: Not much to say here. Just what’s with the descriptions? I really doubt we’ll ever see any of these people again.

EmotedLlama: I suppose it was intended to add to the DRAMUH?

Alesand: Not doing a good job of it.

EmotedLlama: Not at all.

“What makes you think there would be something else?” he asked.

“Um, because I’m not a complete moron?” I offered. “Because no grown-up has ever been completely straight with us? Because I don’t believe for one second that you’re giving us the whole story. I don’t believe for one second that all you want is to study us. You know and I know that you’ve got ulterior motives up that crisply starched sleeve. The only question is, when are you gonna show us what they are?”

EmotedLlama: “You have other motives.” “We don’t have other motives!” “You have other motives.” “We don’t have other motives!” “You have other motives.” “We don’t have other motives!” is basically this entire section. Boring!

Alesand: Max is being rude and accusative. She could have at least asked Angel what she knows.

EmotedLlama: Seriously, why is Angel not being utilized here?

Alesand: Her mind reading would have been esp. useful.

EmotedLlama: Yeah.

The government people all seemed taken aback. It was kind of sad, how universally grown-ups seemed surprised when kids didn’t unquestioningly fall into line. I mean, what kind of kids were they used to dealing with?

EmotedLlama: This reads like kid wish-fulfillment… written by a middle-aged man. Eh?

Alesand: Yup. An old man thinking what a teen girl would think of adults.

EmotedLlama: It’s vaguely gross, really.

I waited a minute while they regrouped. My mom squeezed my hand under the table. One by one I quickly met the flock’s eyes: Fang’s were alert, Iggy’s were leveled directly at me, Nudge’s were wide and trusting. The Gasman’s were full of mischief, and I had a moment’s worry before I realized he probably couldn’t have snuck any explosives into this building. Angel was watching me calmly, and now she gave me a little smile. Total put his paws on the table and drank nosily from a glass of water. People looked at him, horrified, and I almost cracked up.

EmotedLlama: Does this paragraph have any kind of point?

Alesand: Why should we care where Iggy looks? He’s blind! Angel doesn’t send any telepathic messages that could be useful. Since the government has been monitoring them for a year or so, they should also know that Total can talk!

EmotedLlama: Say, that’s yet another thing to mention about how horribly thought up Total is; his main feature is played as him being able to talk, but what’s really astounding is his human-like intelligence. Who decided to give a dog human DNA rather than the other way around?

Alesand: How can Total speak clearly like a human?

EmotedLlama: Uh… JPatterson magic science?

Alesand: The James Patterson Magical Science Academy! School for the rejects who could not even get into the Hufflepuff House in Hogwarts!

EmotedLlama: Haha!

“Any other questions?” I asked, deciding it was time to wrap up this sideshow.

“Why wouldn’t you want our protection?” a woman asked, seeming truly baffled. I guessed she hadn’t been working there too long.

EmotedLlama: Max really likes to insult people, doesn’t she?

Alesand: Yup. Since she is attacked all the time, having the protection would be good thing.

EmotedLlama: Then again, she’s effortlessly able to defeat ridiculous amounts of enemies.

Alesand: With skills she should not have and with hollow bones that should be broken beyond repair. Thanks JPMSA!

EmotedLlama: JPMSA really does lovingly craft its logical fallacies, seen across numerous pieces of fiction and even media forms!

“Because it comes with a price, with strings,” I explained. “The price is too high, and the strings are too tight.”

“You’re children,” said a middle-aged man in a blue suit. “Don’t you want a home, a family?”

Alesand: Sir, you are talking to Max. This brat is whiney, obnoxious, and wants to do what she wants to do. She doesn’t even stay often with her actual mother, sister, and father. She belongs on Jerry Springer and Maury Povich.

EmotedLlama: Ooh, that would be fun! “Max, here’s the mother you didn’t know you had!” “And here’s the man who you didn’t know was your father!”

Alesand: “I don’t WANT ‘EM!!! I WANNA DO WHAT I WANNA DO!!!” Take away her wings and she’d fit right in those shows. I wonder what the paternity test episodes would be like.

EmotedLlama: Absolute insanity.

“With, like, vitamin-fortified cereal and educational television?” I asked, my eyes wide. My voice hardened. “You didn’t offer us a home and a family. You offered us a school, where we could be studied. Next question.”

“It would be patriotic of you to help your country,” the blond woman said stiffly.

EmotedLlama: …Is she seriously trying to play the “patriotism” card? Why would she possibly think that would work?

Alesand: As established, Max barely has a concern for her own current family. For her to be patriotic is wishful thinking at best. Since Max was “created” in a lab run by Germans, wouldn’t that technically make her a dual-citizen? She would be both German and American. That would esp. sting her since she has shown nothing but mockery to that culture.

EmotedLlama: “So, Max, how do you feel about being German?” “RARGH SMASH”

Alesand: She would fit well in a nazisploitation film due to her attitude.

EmotedLlama: …Oh my.

“And it would be nice if the Easter Bunny were real,” I answered. “But it’s interesting that you’ve gone from wanting to study us to wanting us to help our country. Next question.”

EmotedLlama: Interesting how?

Alesand: They are just trying to help you Max. No need to bring up an egg-laying rabbit.

The woman flushed, and I saw several colleagues look at her as if she had messed up.

EmotedLlama: And again, really specific facial expressions.

“Frankly, we consider you a national resource,” said a woman in uniform. “A national treasure, if you will.” She gave an unconvincing smile. “Like the Declaration of Independence.”

I sighed. “Which is kept in a sealed display case under lock and key, with armed guards. No, thanks. Anyone else?”

Alesand: She was just using the document as an example Max. As shown in the last book and in this one, there are countries that are out to capture you. Would it not be a good idea to accept protection from one that has a good record of taking in refugees?

EmotedLlama: B-b-but she doesn’t want to work with the government! Because reasons!

Alesand: Reasons which are never explained in detail.

EmotedLlama: Exactly.

The cool-eyed general spoke again. “The fact remains that you are minors, and as such must be under adult supervision and guardianship, according to state law. We’re offering you such guardianship with a great many benefits and privileges. There could be many less-attractive options.” He sat back looking satisfied, as if he had just crushed and opponent at Battleship.

EmotedLlama: What the heck kind of simile is that?

Alesand: A bad one.

I blinked and looked around the room in disbelief. “You’re kidding,” I said. “We’ve escaped from top-security prisons, lived through mental and physical torture, lived on our own for years, made tons of smarty-pants grown-ups look like fools without even trying, eaten desert rats with no AI steak sauce, and you’re telling me we’re minors and have to have guardians?” I shook my head, staring at him. “Listen, pal, I grew up in a freaking dog crate. I’ve seen horribly part-human mutations die gut-wrenching deaths. I’ve had people, mutants, and robots trying to kill me twenty-four/seven for as long as I can remember, and you think I’m gonna cave to state law? Are you bonkers?”

EmotedLlama: Basically, Max has done random stuff that the books have never treated as very important until now, and as such laws do not apply to her.

Alesand: Curiously, she forgets to mention all the vehicles she has stolen, speeded in, and wrecked. She also doesn’t mention using the angry man’s credit card nor does she mention the time Angel took control of people’s mind to buy her stuff or influence the world.

EmotedLlama: But laws don’t matter for the flock! They’re SPESHUL.

Alesand: The only thing special about them is how especially bratty most of them are.

My voice had risen steadily and it filled the room. Everyone was stock-still, dead quiet.

Finally the man who had first greeted us cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Well, perhaps we should take a break and meet again tomorrow.” It was like someone looking at a horrible battlefield wound and saying, “Let’s put a Band-Aid on this thing, patch it right up!”

EmotedLlama: Maximum Ride: amazing at unnecessary comparisons.

Alesand: Very unfitting comparisons at that.

Once we were back in the limousine, my mom patted my hand and said brightly, “Gosh, that went well!” and I snorted.

Then we were all laughing, and I wished we could stay that way forever: all together and laughing. Of course, we couldn’t.

Alesand: Why are they laughing?

EmotedLlama: Because of lame sarcasm?

Alesand: Being rude and denying help induces laughter for them. Basically, they are celebrities like Linsay Lohan only with wings.

EmotedLlama: Winged celebrities? That sounds like the worst thing since unsliced bread.

Alesand: James Patterson has written a book series about what would happen if celebrities had wings.

EmotedLlama: It even comes with after-school special morality!

Alesand: With moralities this low, who can help but sympathise with the villain?

EmotedLlama: I dunno, the villains are so poorly written I tend to wish everyone would lose.

Alesand: Anyone who reads these books are losing. They could win with so much better.

EmotedLlama: Amen to that.

Alesand: Did anyone actually proofread this book!?

EmotedLlama: …A fish?

Alesand: Patterson’s imaginary nazisploitation-based girlfriend?

EmotedLlama: I imagine that this will go down as one of the greatest mysteries of our time.

Alesand: Yup.

Chapter 10

That night we decided to order in a pizza like normal people.

Mom had a menu from a local place, and each of us kids got to order our own whole, large pizza. I would never get used to having enough to eat for more than a day or two at a time. It wouldn’t last, so I was going to enjoy it while I could.

Alesand: There’s the “us kids” again… And why is she so worried about food?

EmotedLlama: I dunno. I don’t even want to think about how Dr. Martinez is going to afford to feed the flock.

Alesand: Unless she and Jeb make really good money or the government is paying. In fact, why aren’t they eating at a government run building?

EmotedLlama: No idea. Heck, we don’t even know where the flock is.

“So, this whole government-control thing isn’t working for me,” I said while we waited for the delivery guy to show up.

Alesand: The government said nothing about controlling you. Nor has Angel mentioned anything about it.

EmotedLlama: Not to mention, surely she would already have said this bit of redundantness before?

My mom looked at me. “I’d feel better if you were being protected somehow,” she said. See? That’s what kind of mom she is. She doesn’t order me to do stuff, doesn’t try to pin me down. As long as I don’t leave my socks lying around, I’m golden.

Alesand: Basically, Max is happy to be a spoiled brat. Thinking about it, she seems to be a slightly less abusive version of Angelica from Rugrats.

EmotedLlama: I wonder if she’ll get more abusive as the books go on.

Alesand: Instead of spending time with Fang, she could spend her time with a beat-up doll whom she speaks to.

EmotedLlama: “You think I’m funny, right, doll?”

“Their protection never lasts,” said Gazzy. “It turns into something else. Like a trap, or a nightmare, or an experiment. Did I remember to order extra pineapple?”

The rest of the flock nodded.

Alesand: How do they know if the protection won’t last? With the exception of Anne’s house, they have been kept safe by whoever takes them in.

EmotedLlama: Yeah, it’s not like the government has ever helped them before. Did we miss a book or something?

Alesand: Not to my recollection.

EmotedLlama: I guess JPatterson just doesn’t know how to write. Nothing new there, I suppose.

Alesand: He needs to reread his own books, assuming he actually wrote them and not relied entirely upon a ghostwriter.

“I don’t want to go to school,” said Nudge, pulling her attention away from a TV show. “Unless it’s, like, fashion school or music school, like how to be a rock star. But math class every day? And spelling? Bleah.”

EmotedLlama: Remember when Nudge was cool and resourceful? I’d like to go back to that Nudge, please.

Alesand: I remember when she actually wanted to go to school.

EmotedLlama: Yeah. And wasn’t that just a book ago?

Alesand: I think that was back to book 2.

EmotedLlama: Just a book between this, then, or a couple months at most in the books’ timeline. What a quick shift in characterization.

Alesand: At JPMSA you’ll learn how NOT to tell time. You’ll learn to forget the difference between months and years!

“I don’t think those people really know what they want,” said Angel thoughtfully.

“Did we remember to get garlic bread?” Total asked, and we all nodded again.

“But you’re not picking up out-and-out evil?” I asked Angel. Having a six-year-old mind reader does come in handy.

EmotedLlama: Notice the middle line. WHY IS IT THERE?!

Alesand: Ignoring the mutt, why did Max not ask Angel of this sooner? At least have her telepathically tell you what is in the minds of the people AT the meeting, not after!

“No,” Angel said, stroking Total’s back. “I can feel secrets, and confusion. But no mad-scientist stuff.”

EmotedLlama: So… Angel no longer reads minds in the “he was thinking this sentence” way? Now she just gets general feelings? WHYYY?

Alesand: It would ruin the already plot hole infested story that Patterson wants to tell. If she read the minds of those people and convinced Max of their good intentions, this book would be MUCH shorter.

EmotedLlama: JPatterson’s writing really is horrible. Sigh.

“Something new and different,” said Iggy.

“Anyone want refills on lemonade?” Jeb asked, holding out the carton.

“I do.” Gazzy handed him a cup, and Iggy said, “No, the blue one’s mine.”

Gazzy pushed him the blue cup, then looked up as we all realized that no one had mentioend cup colors.

Iggy picked up his cup and drank, not seeming to notice anything odd.

EmotedLlama: Uh-oh. I have a bad feeling about this.

Alesand: So do I…

“Which blue cup, Ig?” I asked casually. “Light or dark?”

“Light,” he said.

We were all silent, and then Iggy frowned. “Huh. Did you guys tell me what colors the cups were?”

“Nope,” I said quietly.

EmotedLlama: Noooooo

Alesand: My head…

He stared at the table, then shook his head. “I’m still—I still can’t see squat. No vision. Nothing.” He reached out his hand, moving it slowly until he felt his cup. “But this cup is blue.”

EmotedLlama: Yep. This is happening. Iggy can now magically feel color.

Alesand: Very much an impossibility. Color is that which can NOT be felt.

EmotedLlama: Then again, Nudge has already shown herself to be able to magically read objects. Is this actually supposed to be science fiction?

Alesand: I don’t think even Star Wars was this nutty even with mind resisting Hutts and Force-protected Yuuzhan Vong. Iggy might as well just have his sight restored.

Gazzy pushed over another cup. “What’s this one?”

Iggy felt for it, then closed his hand around it. “Yellow?”

“Yeah,” Fang said. “How about this?” He put the pizza menu into Iggy’s hand. “What color is it?”

“Green?” Iggy asked. “It feels green.”

EmotedLlama: IT FEELS GREEN.

Alesand: I’m feeling green just from reading this tripe.

No one said anything for a while as we digested this new development. I remembered what Jeb had said, about how we might be mutating on our own, without planning. Nudge seemed to be thinking the same thing. She timidly reached out her hand, and when it was a few inches away, her fork flew into her grasp.

EmotedLlama: Er… how could Max possibly know that Nudge was thinking that?

Alesand: Max is trying to be Angel again…

“Have you guys been playing in toxic waste again?” Fang asked severely, putting his hands on his hips.

Nudge giggled. “No.”

EmotedLlama: You know, I actually think this is kind of cute.

Alesand: How so?

EmotedLlama: I dunno. I just find it amusing.

“Been bitten by a radioactive spider?” Fang went on. “Struck by lightning? Drink a super-soldier serum?”

EmotedLlama: …And then JPatterson overdoes it.

Alesand: They should be roasted by Godzilla’s radioactive breath. Plenty of radiation and they would be goners. A win for everybody!

EmotedLlama: Well, not Godzilla. He’d have to look at them.

Alesand: At the same time though, he could watch them being incinerated.

EmotedLlama: That is a plus, yes.

“No, no, no,” said Iggy. He started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total.

“You’re black.”

“I prefer canine-American,” said total. “When’s that pie coming? I’m starving.”

EmotedLlama: Ugh Total shut up I hate you.

Alesand: I wish they would neuter him and ensure that he doesn’t breed.

EmotedLlama: Yes, please.

“What about me?” Nudge asked, putting Iggy’s hand on her face.

He smiled. “You’re sort of a chocolate-milk-slash-coffee color,” he said in wonder.

“Like, mocha,” said Gazzy.

EmotedLlama: I’m still surprised that Nudge’s race is handled with such subtlety. Given how blatant everything in these books are, it’s… well, surprising.

Alesand: And how would Iggy have known the color of coffee or chocolate milk if he just now gained this power?

EmotedLlama: Wow, I never even thought of that. Heck, how does he know what colors are called in general?

Alesand: He’s been blind most of his life and lived in a cage when he was able to see. Not much color to see.

So there you go. Iggy had a new, unexpected skill, like Nudge. Would we all develop them? Surely nothing more could happen to Angel—she was pretty much already loaded for bear in terms of special powers.
The rest of us would have to wait and see.

Then the doorbell rang, and we all leaped up. Dinner!

Alesand: *facepalm*

EmotedLlama: Agreed to that.

Alesand: Angel’s mind powers are esp. useless in the next chapter when they would’ve been most useful.

EmotedLlama: Can’t wait to do that spork, then!

Alesand: I just don’t know HOW these things could’ve been published! Did NOBODY proofread them?!

EmotedLlama: Probably not, really. James Patterson is such a big name I bet he could write literally anything and have it get published.

Alesand: He could wipe his butt and publish that. That’s what he did for this series.

EmotedLlama: Well, that’s where the chapter ends, so I guess today’s spork is over. Thanks for reading!


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