The Final Warning Spork Part 5


(Sorry for the lateness! I once again managed to completely forget about this. My memory is clearly not very good.)

Chapter 18

After a lame dinner of scavenged food, we settled onto various branches of the tallest trees we could find. Did we sleep in trees a lot? Yes. Had we ever fallen out of a tree while asleep? As amusing as that would have been, no. (pg 64)

Thank you for that utterly pointless tidbit.

Actually, this whole chapter is pointless. The only thing that happens in its just over one page total length is to introduce a new power of Fang’s, to disappear when he’s completely still.


Chapter 19

The flock try to mimic Fang’s ability, but all fail. Also, Fang’s ability apparently doesn’t extend to his teeth.

Okay, but seriously, how is the science of this supposed to work? Fang not moving somehow makes his entire body plus hair and CLOTHING but not teeth fade into the background? That… it just doesn’t make any sense.

Max goes on to outline details of how the flock need to operate, such as not staying in a single place for more than two days… and listing three good things that had happened to them. Because reasons.

Chapter 20

Subterranean (pg 70)

That’s… not very useful information, JPatterson.

As the chapter goes on to say, we’re underground in the Uber-Director’s base. An assistant comes to tell the Uber-Director that an auction is ready.

Chapter 21

Subterranean (pg 72)

??? What is even going on anymore.

The Uber-Director is now on video-conference with leaders of different countries and corporations, and seems to be offering up the flock as items to be sold. Showing a video of the flock gets gasps and murmurs from the leaders, because apparently they haven’t yet heard of the bird kids. Which I suppose is sort of reasonable, but really, at this point, it seems like more people in high-ranking positions would know about the flock than not.

The Uber-Director talks about the flock for a moment, and despite the idiocy and bluntness of most of JPatterson’s characters, nobody questions whether or not the flock are real. Then, after really just a moment on with the leaders, the Uber-Director ends the conference call by saying that the leaders have information packets for more, but that opening bid is 500 million dollars and that the flock possess the ability to rule the world.

Yeah, so none of that made any sense whatsoever. I mean, why did the Uber-Director even bother with the conference call if he didn’t actually say anything?

Chapter 22

Terranean (pg 75)


“The demonstration is ready, sir.” The assistant stood with head typically bowed, barely managing to avoid saying “My Lord” or even “Your Grace.” That was the trouble with old-fashioned humans. Too ruled by emotion, too easily cowed. There would be no place for them in the New Age. (pg 75)

So, first the narration gives us insight into the assistant’s mind, and then it insults humans. Either the Uber-Director is a mind-reader, the unnamed omniscient narrator has a thing against humans, or JPatterson has no idea how to write. I’m going with the latter.

Anyway, the Uber-Director apparently has no idea what’s being demonstrated for him, because he asks why it hasn’t started before realizing that magical camouflage is being used. The demonstration itself is of some form of robot soldier showing off a method of capturing the flock if they were to be in a cave.

After successfully completing their mission, the robots come forward to get some sort of electricity drug that they apparently need to function properly. No, I have no idea how that makes any sense.

Chapter 23

Angel can now shapeshift to change her hair color and style, her eye and skin color, and grow feathers.

I am SO. DONE.

Chapter 24

You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 83)

Is JPatterson trying to make me hurt someone? HE IS, ISN’T HE?

Fang asks the internet at large for a career for the flock, such as being “the poster children for both animal and child abuse”. He also does a bit of infodumping on his current mindset, which–really, JPatterson? You set up this character as reserved and quiet, then have him spew out his thoughts to the internet?

Part Two: Ice Princes and Princesses

This is seriously the most concentrated chunk of everything that’s wrong with these books. And it makes me want to THROW SOMETHING.

Chapter 25

Max. Fly to these coordinates. I rubbed my eyes, hoping it had been a dream. (pg 87)

Hoping that what had been a dream? The words in italics? You’re going to give us a bit more detail on what the heck that was before you can make it sound like it was something that happened and not just some random two sentences.

So, the voice puts a map into Max’s brain and gives her directions to some place we’re not told, then tells Max that her mom is waiting for her there.

You know, just how the voice works still makes no sense.

Also, I’d like to note that in the chapter where Angel’s new power is introduced, Max also told us that she had no idea where she wanted to go. Now the voice tells her where to go.

Laziest. Plotting. Ever.

The flock take off for our unknown destination, and after going to a fast-food place Max mentions that if she were rich she’d start a chain of healthy fast food restaurants. I’m not sure why she would think of something like that, given that the flock need the extra calories from junk food, but then again she is JPatterson’s mouthpiece.

When they arrive at their destination, Max finally tells us what it is: a private landing strip. Apparently this was too dramatic to learn a page ago.

Chapter 26

Max’s mom is indeed there, and she says that she and Jeb came up with an idea for where the flock could go.

I’d been wondering what our next step would be, and here it was, being offered to me. (pgs 90-91)

It’s like JPatterson knows how bad his writing is and he just doesn’t care. It’s sickening.

Dr. Martinez doesn’t want to tell Max where they’d be going until they’re almost there, and to help convince Max she introduces her to a scientist who informs Max that the flock would be on a mission to save the world. Of course, that’s where the chapter ends.

I’m gonna end this spork part with a question: if the voice is no longer Jeb, how did it know to tell Max where her mom would be, and why did Dr. Martinez go there if she didn’t have a way of communicating with Max? And if the voice had been Jeb, why didn’t it just, I dunno, say so and not be unnecessarily cryptic?

I’ll bet five bucks this is never answered.


9 responses »

  1. Oh god… I forgot about Angel’s shape shifting and Fang’s camouflage. I can imagine what Janes Patterson was thinking.
    “I could try to make these characters more interesting by giving them depth and realistic personalities and emotions. Or I could just give them random, nonsense, ridiculous-even-for-Maximum-Ride powers FOR NO REASON.”
    Also, good spork.

  2. Fang’s basically the most useless member of the Flock at this point. Even farting (sigh) is a more effective power than partial invisibility that only works when you stand really still.
    Also, judging from his blog, Fang seems to represent that self-obsessed, emo portion of the internet.

    When the assistant dude uses the phrase “New Age”, it just makes me think of all the characters in robes, burning incense, eating vegan food and singing along to Enya music. :P But, considering the whole “save the penguins” route this book takes, that could actually end up happening.

  3. Concerning the Voice, it becomes nonsensical in the final book due to (not spoiling it for you). I can assure you that your head will be banging against a wall. Lesser Krang (not good enough to be the actual Krang: ) is busy being useless and I doubt a backstory will be given to him. Everything else is JPMSA.

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