The Final Warning Spork Part 9


I’m feeling a bit irritated right now, so I may be extra mean today. Fun! (Although I actually wrote this yesterday and then edited and posted it today.)

Chapter 33

Fang talks to Brigid as everyone prepares to eat, and this really affects Max. Note that Brigid is 21, and Fang is 14.

So, yeah, Max goes off and flies for a bit, and unfortunately she doesn’t lose the boat and drown to death. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with the most idiotic romantic subplot ever.

Chapter 34

Max returns, and one of the scientists (not going to bother referring to them by name because they’re all the same person) asks Max if flying is fun. Max says yes.

Growing up in dog crates, being subjected to horrible experiments, being chased and attacked every time we turned around: not so much. (pg 120)

Max is constantly talking about this stuff, and yet she never really seems to actually care about it. Horrible childhood trauma is only worth quips to her, but Fang daring to talk to a girl makes her choke up and fly away.

Max has serious issues, and none of them make sense.

“I’m going to turn in,” I said abruptly, and headed toward the aft stairs. (Aft means “rear” on a boat. See how I’m thr0wing the lingo around?) (pg 121)

Is this supposed to be funny? Interesting? I can’t tell because it’s nothing; it’s just there, and it’s stupid and pointless and I hate the way JPatterson writes with a burning passion.

Max talks to Fang a bit about FEELINGS or something and then the chapter ends.

Chapter 35

Max returns to the flock’s room, where she talks to Total about his dog crush. Meanwhile, I’m trying to pretend Total doesn’t exist.

Oh, and the flock decides to stay with the scientists, as if we didn’t know that would happen.

Chapter 36

Max talks to one of the scientists for a bit, and apparently it’s okay for her to get to know them, but not Fang. Like, I get that people are hypocrites, but for some reason I don’t think that it was JPatterson’s intention to make Max insufferable.

Oh, and then there are whales or something.

Chapter 37

I’ll give it to this book: it’s harder to make it sound like not much happened than in the other books. Even if there are a ton of unnecessary scenes, at least relevant things sometimes happen.

Anyway, this chapter is about whales and the scientists learning that Angel can read minds and there’s not really anything to it.

Chapter 38

Max says that the flock aren’t that affected by the cold when they’re flying, and that the air was no colder than it was at high altitudes (25,000 feet, specifically). I wasn’t able to find any quick information on the latter factoid, but according to Wikipedia birds do better in the cold due to their respiratory system and such, which as far as I can tell wouldn’t make them only warmer when flying. So I’m pretty sure JPatterson was just making things up.

Blah blah blah they’re nearly at the research center, and there are going to be about forty people there in total, which makes Max uncomfortable. Do I care? No.

Chapter 39

Max treats us to a poem about the color white. It’s slightly more clever than I expected, but still godawful.

Then Iggy says he can see the landscape.

Chapter 40

Iggy can see whiteness. He can see the color white, nothing else.





Chapter 41

And now we’re with the Uber-Director.


The Uber-Director has surveillance on the flock, and then a ridiculous monster-thing called, get this, Gozen appears.

I just.

The Uber-Director says that it’s “almost time” and tells Gozen (GOZEN! What the hell kind of ridiculous name is that?!) to prepare his troops. It’s all very boring. Except for Gozen. Gozen is fantastic in a so-bad-it’s-good way.

Chapter 42

The flock play with penguins, who then waddle away

And then suddenly an enormous creature surged out of the ocean, grabbed Sue-Ann by a leg, and sank back into the black depths. (pg 145)

Am I the only one who finds this utterly hilarious?

Chapter 43

After my spork of the second book ended up being shorter than I expected, I’ve tried to be more detailed in my sporks, but I just covered ten chapters in 700 words and I’m really not sure I could have added much more. These books are just so boring and pointless and so little actually happens that it’s actually kind of impressive. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that so thoroughly wastes its words.

Aaanyway, the attack was from a leopard seal, who, fun fact, have actually been recorded attacking humans in a manner such as what happens in this book. This is rather surprising, as I would have expected JPatterson to just make something up.

Max and Fang rush to help the scientist, and fly her all the way back to the infirmary.

Look, JPatterson, the logistics of the flock being able to get off the ground at all is flimsy enough. I’m not buying that they were able to fly a fully-grown human for any distance whatsoever. You fail at physics please go back to school.

The doctors look at Sue-Ann’s ravaged leg, and find wires and such embedded in it. Everyone automatically knows that this means she was a traitor, and taking barely a moment to acknowledge that she died (!) they take action to search for hidden cameras.

This is the most contrived, idiotic, ridiculous plotting in all of existence.

Chapter 44

As expected, the antifreeze additive to their joint lubrication proved effective. (pg 150)

Keep in mind that this is the first sentence of a new chapter in a new setting. Now, what noun do you think “their” refers to?

I have no idea, either, because it’s flat-out incorrect grammar, and confusing grammar on top of that. Only after reading a couple more paragraphs can I figure out that it probably is referring to the Uber-Director’s robot soldiers. Which, now I’m remembering that he has robot soldiers.

Gozen and his troops are now in the antarctic, and have learned of Sue-Ann’s death. Gozen has to alter his plans or something, and I’m still thinking about how this is such convenient plotting. But now I’ve reached 1,000 words of spork and I’m not going any further because I value my sanity.


4 responses »

  1. This whole thing between Fang and Brigid? Ew. Just….EWWW. What was the author thinking? I’d really love to know.

    Suddenly, the Flock’s awful behaviour makes much more sense if you look at it as the result of being locked up in a cage for so long.

    WHY does Gozen not have his own spin-off yet? He could star in The Gozen and Total Show. Every episode would consist of Gozen being incredibly violent towards Total.

    • “This whole thing between Fang and Brigid? Ew. Just….EWWW. What was the author thinking? I’d really love to know.”

      He probably wasn’t. :/

      “WHY does Gozen not have his own spin-off yet? He could star in The Gozen and Total Show. Every episode would consist of Gozen being incredibly violent towards Total.”

      WANT. Oh man, that would be SO FUN.

  2. Flying with even regular planes is difficult in the Antarctic. Even though their wings are covered, the flock are not wearing winter clothing as seen on the book cover: Max and the flock would be hit with 50 to 200 mph winds which are already powered by -0 temperatures: In short they should be gliding icicles.

    Gozen? Really? Was Patterson watching a Godzilla marathon while he wrote this?

    As for the love triangle, it is f*cked beyond belief. Max is a hypocrite and the “scientist” Fang is hitting on should already be aware of his age.

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