The Final Warning Spork Part 10

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Chapter 45

You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 152)

*Sigh* Well, here we go.

Fang talks a bit about random stuff, and then

Fortunately, the person we rescued didn’t make it. (pg 153)

That’s right. He expresses happiness that someone who had wires in their leg is dead. I don’t even have the energy for this.

Fang soapboxes for a bit about global warming, tells someone off for calling him out about it, and blah blah blah sucky bookness moving on.

Chapter 46

The flock fly off and land on a volcanic island, Deception Island, which is actually a real island. Nudge and Angel decide to swim in some warm water, and it’s all very boring until they notice that Total has wings.

I knew this was coming, but it’s still stupid. What’s stupider is how JPatterson tries to make each new trait the flock gets seem dramatic and special and cliffhangery, but it’s really just… well, stupid.

Chapter 47

Apparently, Total eats human food. This makes me assume that he’s basically just human organs put into a dog’s body, plus wings, which is… really weird. And probably impossible for numerous reasons. I dunno. I don’t care. He doesn’t exist to me.

“Obviously, this is an extreme environment,” Brigid said. “We do have dangers here, as you have seen. For example, what would you do if you suddenly realized you were lost? A lot of the terrain looks the same.”

“I’d fly up till I could see the station,” I said. “Then head back to it.”

The scientists looked at me, taken aback. I guess that solution hadn’t occurred to them. (pg 162)

Stupidist. Scientists. Ever.

Chapter 48

Your friendly reminder that we’re now nearly two-thirds of the way through the book. I realize that I before said that more happens in this than the other books, but that doesn’t really mean much given just how empty they are. So far, the flock got attacked by a pizza bomb, we learned that a bad guy is after them, and they went to Antarctica. That’s it in terms of actual plot.

Max grandstands about evul corporations for a little bit, and then

“I want a baby penguin,” said Angel, tugging on my jacket to get my attention. (pg 166)

Imagining Angel as really tiny, half her age, and not nearly so intelligent could make this extremely cute. As it is, nope.

Max looks around at what’s going on for a bit (what’s going on? No idea), and then magically knows that something is wrong. I mean, this could at least be an established power of hers. But no, she just gets a special Birdy Sense that lets her know when something’s up. Though nothing comes of it because the chapter ends.

Chapter 49

You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 169)

Uugghghhhh.

Fang extolls the virtues of becoming a scientist, then takes questions.

Chapter 50

Max and Fang use his blog entry as a catalyst to talk about more RELATIONSHIP DRAMUH and then oh no Angel and Total and Akila are missing!!!

Chapter 51No but seriously, that chapter was a page and a half total. Angel is stuck in a crevasse, after following penguin tracks to touch a baby penguin. Don’t ask me why she wasn’t flying, because the answer is that the plot demanded it and I don’t want to have to say that because it’s such an idiotic answer even though it’s right.

Plot idiocy aside, Angel thinks about how to get out, realizes that she can’t be seen from above, tries to change her appearance to a bird of paradise to help, but nothing works and she resigns herself to death.

Unfortunately, we all know she’s not going to die.

Chapter 52

One of the scientists tries to keep Max and Fang from going after Angel, so Max punches him and flies off.

This chapter is barely even a page in total.

Chapter 53

Max and Fang are flying out in the incredibly harsh winds, and after fifteen minutes they find penguin tracks. Google searches brought up nothing for how long tracks last in harsh winds, but I find it extremely dubious that the tracks would still be there.

Regardless, though, Max sees some penguins huddling together, and as Angel had wanted a penguin she flies down to them to see if she’s there. Do I care? Not a single bit.

Chapter 54

The loss of his main contact was a regrettable obstacle, Gozen thought, but at least she had succeeded in placing tiny homing devices on the quarry before she was so unexpectedly terminated. (pg 183)

Wow, that is a really terrible sentence. Thought tags with no direct thought? Clunky wording? Painful exposition? All there.

Gozen tells his troops to prepare for combat, and the chapter ends.

Chapter 55

Max and Fang land away from the penguins, for some reason, and walk the rest of the way. They use their “built-in navigator system” to find their path, and it’s interesting to note that it’s still super vaguely described. As far as I can tell, it’s basically a compass, but it’s not called that so I assume it’s not, but if not it means the flock just have some sort of magical sense of direction that tells them where things are, or something… it makes no sense.

Max stumbles over uneven ground and makes noise, and Angel yells for help, revealing herself to be right under Max and Fang. Fang begins to uncoil rope to get Angel out, but oh noes her foot is stuck!!!

Chapter 56

Why is this subplot even in the book? It’s absolutely pointless.

Max and Fang get out the dogs, but it’s cold and apparently flying with heavy things is now a problem and Angel’s foot is stuck and it’s all much more boring than it sounds.
Chapter 57

So many needless chapter breaks, I swear.

Max and Fang pull Angel out and make a shelter by some rocks, and the tension is just nonexistant. I mean, seriously: Angel is stuck with no way of seeing her? Max yelps right on top of her! Angel can’t be pulled out with the dogs? The dogs go first! Angel’s foot is stuck? They get her out with no difficulty! Now they’re stuck in a storm? Convenient rock formation!

*Sigh.*

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2 responses »

  1. She wanted…a baby penguin…
    Are you ****ing serious????
    nf.ddjfngalwrfffffab;aaaaaaaaaaalgja;iruhae;giuahg; pguhjn;gouihg;pruh\rw;puwh;pwurhw;p\urhg;p\BOOOM!

    No. Nononononononononono. No.

  2. The stupidity is so overwhelming that I am unable to riff any particular chapter. My brain is hurting from the stupidity of the chapters you just sporked. None of the past chapters or books could even do this. *sigh* And to think I was going to save my vodka for a victory celebration tonight for finishing some difficult school assignments…

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