The Final Warning Spork Part 11


What is the point of this book?

I suspected you wouldn’t have an answer.

Chapter 58

We had to get her [Angel] back to the station, have someone look at her ankle. We all heal supernaturally fast, but if her ankle was broken and it healed wrong, they’d have to rebreak it. (pg 193)

Ignoring Max’s mention of their idiotic healing rate, I have a question: when, exactly, did Max learn this piece of medical information? Was it a part of the never-explained “training” they went through with Jeb? If so, why did they learn that? Did one of them break a bone and want to keep going, but had to let Jeb set it? Wouldn’t that, then, be an interesting story that could give some character development for both the flock and Jeb?

Like, seriously. This is basic stuff.

So, our heroes are stuck in the snow, getting colder by the second, waiting for rescue. What is the best way to heighten the tension here? According to JPatterson, it’s to have Total make the worst, most infuriating speech in existence. I won’t subject you to the atrocity, but any lingering tiny bit of suspense is GONE.

Max thinks that they might be acting sluggish because of a lack of air, so she punches (!) a hole in the ice.

“Is the storm over?” Angel mumbled.

“No,” came a deep, odd voice from outside.

My eyes flew open wide, and so did Fang’s. Normally my body would have been instantly flooded with adrenaline and I’d have been in full-on fight mode, but this time I could barely react, barely raise my arm.

“The storm is just beginning.” The deep voice laughed, and then the wall crashed down on us. (pg 195)

Well, that’s silly.

Chapter 59

Despite being half dead from hypothermia, Fang and I still had enough strength to immediately throw ourselves into the air, each of us holding one of Angel’s hands. (pg 196)

So one moment Max is too cold to do anything, and the next she’s able to throw herself into the air? Riiight.

They can’t fly away, however, because of a net. I’m quite amazed that it took four books for the badguys to think of nets.

Max recognizes robots and Gozen, who is apparently the one who made that idiotic one-liner. Then we get information on what Gozen looks like.

One arm was like an I beam: way too long, out of proportion with the rest of his body. (pg 197)

Er, Max, I’m pretty sure that I beams are beams shaped like an uppercase I. Not a “way too long” that’s out of proportion with bodies.

Yes, I know what JPatterson meant, but the grammar of that sentence says something entirely different.

Gozen and Max talk for a moment, and then Gozen breaks Angel’s arm. After a moment of surprise that JPatterson would actually do that, I find that I feel nothing about Angel’s plight.

Part Three: Moon Over Miami–or Something Like That

These part titles are absolutely idiotic.

Chapter 60

Just a reminder: the average chapter length in this book is 3 and a half pages. And that’s not counting the blank space at the beginning and end of chapters.

The present members of the flock get rolled into a jet which, if you recall, is in the middle of a blizzard. Somehow I don’t believe that someone could pilot a jet to a random patch of snow in a blizzard, but maybe that’s just me?

Anyway, as it happens the rest of the flock are in the jet. It’s a reunion yay!

Chapter 61

They’d [the rest of the flock] been grabbed one by one, back at the station. Some of the scientists had tried to fight and had a bunch of serious injuries to show for it. I felt sorry for them, but if you lie down with dogs… (No, Total, don’t get offended. The flock were the “dogs” in that metaphor. See, they hung out with–You know what? To heck with it. (pg 205)

Okay, so first, it sounds like Max is saying that the scientists are in the jet, even though they aren’t. That’s poor writing. Second, “You” should not be capitalized. That’s a hard rule of grammar, as far as I know. Third, apparently Max thinks that the scientists deserved getting hurt for being involved with the flock. Real nice, Max. Fourth, why is that parenthetical there? If Max doesn’t want to bother explaining the metaphor to Total, she can, ya know, edit out the metaphor. Or get rid of the parenthetical if she’s not going to follow through with it. That’s just basic logic.

Then Gozen enters the room of the jet the flock are in, and Nudge thinks his name is the same as Japanese dumplings.

Chapter 62

But according to Fang, she’s thinking of Gyoza.

Notice how annoying that “Chapter 62” bit was, interrupting my thought? Yeah, that’s exactly what the actual chapter breaks do.

Anyway, Gozen says that the flock are human, and thus are helping global warming, and so he will enjoy their deaths. I have a really strong feeling that the villain’s motivations are heading in atrocious directions, but I’ll hold off on a rant until the scheme inevitably gets revealed.

Chapter 63

The flock are taken to a skyscraper in what Max identifies as Miami in the most convoluted, unnecessary sequences in… well, this book is so full of unnecessary things, I guess it’s… the most unnecessary thing in this chapter? Maybe, I dunno, I haven’t yet finished it. Though I’ve read a couple pages so I’m probably halfway through.


Gozen says that an auction will be starting soon, and then leaves. Max has Iggy look at Angel’s broken arm, and he helps with it. Not sure why he’s the doctor and not all of the flock, but that’s JPatterson logic for you.

Iggy smiled, proud that he could contribute to the flock this way. (pg 215)

Here’s JPatterson filling his “Max being omniscient” quota.

“On the other hand, this carpet is a tasteful ecru, with a thin cinnamon stripe close to the wall.” [Iggy said] (pg 216)

Look, Iggy, I can imagine you knowing basic colors from your time in the School, but if you had no education before you were blind, there is no reason for you to have any idea what “ecru” and “cinnamon” are, and so you shouldn’t be able to name those colors because you have no idea what they look like.

JPatterson’s failure to understand simple logic is really getting on my nerves, so I’m done for this week.


5 responses »

  1. And the stupidity continues…

    I already mentioned in a prior comment how flying is hard in the Antarctic, but to fly a (assuming jumbo) jet in a storm? Buuuullll Sh*******t!

    Why are the villains trying to sell Max and the flock? Just why? Also where is Angel’s mind control? We have Iggy and Total’s crappy powers but not the useful mind control?

    Instead of Gozen appearing and making bad quips, there could be this instead:

    • Well, the flock ARE going up against robots, who would presumably be immune to the mind control. I bet JPatterson jumped for joy when he realized his crappy robots filled in a plot hole.

  2. Maybe the point of this book is to warn writers about what their works could become if they don’t put in enough effort. Or maybe this book exists as a form of encouragement for future writers…no matter how bad an author they think they might be, they’ll never get as bad as this.

    Wait…they have to rebreak their bones? Am I a bad person for smiling at the thought of the Flock having to break each others’ bones, over and over again? Maybe since they’re kids, it’s a little bit twisted…so I’m just gonna fantasise about Total’s bones getting broken continuously instead!

    Dividing the book into parts when the chapters are so short just doesn’t work. It doesn’t look right, it doesn’t flow right, it’s pointless. Plus, the book is way too short to be divided up. If you want to divide a book into parts, it really needs to be some big, sprawling epic with chapters that last at least 30 pages each.

    “They can’t fly away, however, because of a net. I’m quite amazed that it took four books for the badguys to think of nets.”
    Oh my gosh, NETS!!!! Finally! The one weapon that the Flock are totally powerless against!

    “On the other hand, this carpet is a tasteful ecru, with a thin cinnamon stripe close to the wall.”
    …Has Iggy’s newfound power turned him into a fashion guru of some description? Because this series would be a lot more fun if it focused on that.

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