The Final Warning Spork Part 12

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Sorry for the lateness! The internet went out Tuesday and Wednesday, I was busy Thursday and Saturday, and I forgot Friday. Better late than never, I guess.

Chapter 64

The flock get fed by robots, and along with human food they get birdseed, which is apparently the funniest thing ever because the flock all begin laughing and making jokes. In other news, JPatterson still has no idea how to pull off suspense.

Anyway, Gozen comes in and tells the flock that they’re now going to be auctioned off, and also that there’s a hurricane hitting Miami and that the city has been evacuated. Why is this auction taking place in the middle of a hurricane? No, that was an actual question. Please answer, because I haven’t the foggiest.

Chapter 65

The flock meet the Uber-Director, Max calls him both UD and BoxBoy, is predictably idiotic, the Uber-Director predictably finds her inane snark horribly insulting, and of course is silenced by her wit.

And that’s the chapter. Bleh.

Chapter 66

So the auction starts, and apparently the Uber-Director’s plan was to put the flock in a conference room with nothing but Gozen to stop them from doing anything, including talking or moving about or generally trying to sabotage things. What I take from this is that JPatterson has no idea how to write intelligent villains.

“Silence!” the UD said again as the people on the screens began to murmur to their unseen partners. He spoke to them: “As you can see, they are functional, with a limited, though useful, intelligence.”

“Limited intelligence?” I broke in, outraged. “Bite me! You’re the last person to talk about limitations! At least I can… swim! And fly! And digest by myself!” (pg 225)

Remember, we’re supposed to like Max, she who would insult people based on their physical disabilities.

Oh, and then Gazzy does something.

I swear to you, it was literally a green mushroom cloud. (pg 226)

Given Gazzy’s name, I think you can figure out what’s going on. I’m not wasting any more words on this.

Max talks about how the flock generally act ridiculously through the auction, then worries about the hurricane.

I’d flown in some pretty intense storms, but if we’d been outside now, we would have been splattered against the building like gnats. (pg 227)

Sounds fun!

And then, showing JPatterson’s incredible skills of foreshadowing, the windows implode.

Chapter 67

The flock take cover under the room’s table, and

“There’s a hurricane report on TV,” she [Angel] said. “It says it’s almost a Category five, and they think it was caused by global warming.”

There was that global warming again!

“There have always been hurricanes,” I pointed out.

“Not at this time of the year. Plus, there are many, many more of them now, and they tend to be stronger and more destructive,” Fang told me.

I looked at him. “Okay, maybe global warming is bad,” I admitted. (pg 230)

Remember, they’re in a small room in a skyscraper open to a hurricane. And they’re talking about global warming.

This is the most contrived, ridiculous, horrendous, idiotic writing I’ve ever read.

Chapter 68

Apparently Iggy and Fang had torn their coats into ropes while the auction was going on. How did they not get noticed, and why did they do that in the first place? JPatterson logic!

They use these ropes to keep Total and Akila tethered as they get buffeted by winds through the skyscraper, eventually crashing through to a balcony.

Chapter 69

Fortunately for the flock, they quickly end up in the eye of the storm and on ground level. Akila is missing, and this combined with Angel’s broken arm really sets Max off and she flies up at Gozen, who is wrapped around the Uber-Director, who is falling out of the skyscraper.

Chapter 70

“I saw the UD shout, “Don’t let go!” though I couldn’t hear him. (pg 238)

I’m glad Max has her priorities set to “lip-read” as she goes to fight the big bads in the middle of a hurricane.

Max kicks Gozen’s arm, which makes him, a robot, lose his grip and fall away. Right. She then lets the Uber-Director die as well, because he’s “a machine, someone’s consciousness hooked up to a bio-mechanical body.”

Yeah.

Oh, and then Akila falls out of the sky and lands on Max! What a lucky coincidence!

Chapter 71

The flock stay in the eye of the storm until they can get out of the hurricane. Given that it was category four going on category five, I’m pretty sure that would mean waiting for it to get over the ocean and then flying through a gigantic, still-formidable storm. But what do I know?

Max goes “okay global warming is bad I’ve learned my lesson” because who didn’t see that coming? and then the chapter ends. It was literally half a page, by the way.

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3 responses »

  1. Did a four-year-old write this book? Because that’s what the hurricane and the farting suggests. :P
    It’s more like a dream than real life…and not in a good way. Stuff happens at random, n9othing quite fits together or has any sort of narrative flow, nothing makes any sense, no reasons are given for anything…did Patterson just dictate this to some random person who understood very little English while both of them were drunk/half-asleep/both?

  2. This easily trumps the entirety of the Twilight book series as the most stupid, incomprehensible, gibbering, nonsensical, brain dead, shite that I have ever had the displeasure of reading!!! Atomic farts, idiot villains, moron scientists, a creepy little girl, two whiney emos, useless powers, good powers which work only when they want to, and an intolerable, selfish, egotistical, stuck-up, snobbish, ill mannered c*nt make this book; along with the rest of the series; the worst tripe ever put down on paper!

    James Patterson, if you are reading this, I want you to know that you are the absolute worst writer in the history of the human species! You are an untalented hack. You are not funny, witty, nor entertaining. I have actually seen mentally retarded children create better stories than you. If you have any decency, which I highly doubt you do, you would quit being an author and go live the rest of your life in a desolate cave.

  3. [They use these ropes to keep Total and Akila tethered as they get buffeted by winds through the skyscraper, eventually crashing through to a balcony.]

    I’m just going to ignore the other blatantly awful stuff about this book in favor of mentioning that I always tether my dogs by their necks during hurricanes when they’re outside because clearly strangling them as they’re carried away from me by eighty mile per hour wind is the better alternative to having them get picked up by said wind and carried away where they can conveniently land on me later (and not crush me as eighty pound objects falling from the sky), which they end up doing anyway. Because just picking them up is so stupid.

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