The Final Warning Spork Part 14: Special Edition


This week, Alesand helps me close out the book as we spork the epilogue.

“Gee, a fancy school in northern Virginia,” Iggy muttered. “How bad can it be?” “I’m sure nothing disastrous or life threatening will happen to us while we’re here,” I said, sounding much more gullible than I am.

Alesand: At least your receiving a free education and an entire school (from the government no less) just for you. It costs me around $1,500 per semester for school and for others they must get loans which will be repaid later with interest. Consider yourselves extraordinarily lucky.

Here we were at Ye Olde Academy for Mutants and Other Kids. Shortly after my Oscar-worthy speech to Congress, my mom had explained that some important people had gone ahead and created a school for us.

EmotedLlama: Okay, first, I know she’s probably not being serious, but Oscar-worthy? REALLY? And second, making a school for people who have already declined is just idiotic. Sure, waste all that money on something that’s unlikely to be used! Alesand: Michael Moore’s anti-Bush rant was a better Oscar speech! Also, the poor school will just be a pipe dream…reminds me of these three photos.

Frankly, we’d all been ready to kick back and relax on a non-hurricaned beach for a while, but Mom and Jeb had asked us to give the school a try. So here we were. It was the ribbon-cutting ceremony, and when I’d taken a gander at the government limos, bigwigs, news teams, and stuff, I’d cottoned on to the fact that this was a big deal.

EmotedLlama: Max is really not that bright.

Plus, my mom; my half sister, Ella; Jeb; and some of the scientists from the Wendky K. were all there, beaming at us. I don’t know who had created this school (actually called the Lerner School for Gifted Children–I thought they’d misspelled Learner, but then found out Lerner was some guy who donated a bunch of money), and I had no idea why anyone who knew us would think that we’d be here for any length of time, but hey! I was willing to try anything once!

EmotedLlama: This is really, really, boring. Alesand: Not to mention the fact that all of this money for the school and publicity will go down the tubes. BTW, what does this have to do with global warming? EmotedLlama: I dunno. Guess JPatterson forgot about it.

So here we were, my flock. Angel’s arm was all better, Akila had fully recovered (but still weighed eighty pounds, which still posed a humongo problem carting her furry butt around when we flew), Total’s wings had continued to grow, and yesterday he’d gotten his two front paws about an inch off the ground. I almost missed Antarctica–not the coldness part but the empty cleanliness of it, and the fact that we’d been relatively safe there (until we were captured, anyway), and the meaning of the work we’d done there. I missed the penguins. The leopard seals? Not so much.

EmotedLlama: It’s a good thing we don’t care about what’s actually happening in this scene, because JPatterson certainly doesn’t care to actually write it. He’s just writing lazy, obvious exposition. Alesand: This whole paragraph is useless padding. It adds NOTHING to what is occurring.

We were all clean, and I only mention this because it was something new and different.

EmotedLlama: Funny, you’ve never really bothered to mention how dirty you were in the past. Alesand: Her favorite comic characters are Pigpen (Peanuts), Aquaman, and Garfield. Max=Pigpen-positive traits+Aquaman-any usefulness+Garfield-intelligence. EmotedLlama: Ha! Alesand: Basically Max=dirty, useless nitwit.

Cameras were flashing all around us. Our former “lie low and be anonymous” rule was pretty much shot all to heck. I’d had a great visit with my mom and Ella, and do not tell anyone I said this, but I was relieved that Brigid was staying in Antarctica and Fang was staying here.

EmotedLlama: Er, Max, you just said that to your novel’s entire readership. That’s… really idiotic to tell a secret to the public at large and expect to keep it a secret. Alesand: I wish Max would stay in the Antarctic.

I wondered if they had rounded up some of the other mutant kids I’d crossed paths with at the Institude and at Itex. It had always felt kinda sorry for them. “

EmotedLlama: Kinda. She felt KINDA sorry for them. KINDA. RAAAAAAAAAAR Alesand: What a selfish bitch!

They seemed lonely, like they didn’t have a flock, or a family, or a purpose in life. “

EmotedLlama: Ugghhhhh Max is so HORRIBLE. Alesand: Then why don’t you search for them and help them you self-centered sow!?!

“And now, without further ado, I give you the Lerner School for Gifted Children!” The mayor of this small town stepped forward and cut the ribbon across the front entrance with a big pair of scissors that wouldn’t be good for anything except stuff like this. The wide ribbon fell neatly apart, and everyone clapped and took pictures.

EmotedLlama: Since Max never mentioned the mayor giving a speech, I like to imagine that after a minute of awkward silence they suddenly said that. Alesand: We could have heard the speech if Max wasn’t telling us her padded filled drivel.

Max? I didn’t pay attention for a moment, and then I realized that it was actually my Voice, the one inside my head. (I wonder if that phrase will ever sound less weird.)

EmotedLlama: I dunno, you could always try not bothering to explain it when we already know what it is. Alesand: Oh joy! The return of the voice! I do wonder what will happen next! (gags)

What? I thought. I know you’re in the middle of something here, and I hate to interrupt, but there’s another mission for you. Huuuh? What are you talking about? I just did my mission! And almost died! A bunch of times!

EmotedLlama: …And? Max, you have got to get better at forming arguments. Alesand: What will be the next mission? Replanting the entire Amazon rainforest? Chasing away the sands of the Sahara? Neutering all the feral dogs and cats?

Max, Max, Max, said the Voice in that irritating way it had. The world isn’t saved yet, is it? You’ve got work to do. Now, get out of there, and I’ll give you the coordinates of where you need to go. Well. I weighed some unknown, probably difficult, possibly deadly mission, with us not knowing where we were going or what we’d be doing, against this bright, shiny new school building, no doubt full of gleaming desks and Macs everywhere. Never let it be said that I, Maximum RIde, would ever shirk my duty. “Come on, guys,” I said to the flock. “Gotta go. More world to save. All this book learning’s going to have to wait.”

EmotedLlama: Wow. This is like some sort of terrible action movie, only instead of going out to murderize bad guys they’re spreading the word about global warming. YAWN. Alesand: And don’t forget the book’s lesson: Hey kids! Forget going to school! Go out on ridiculous adventures to promote global warming. Don’t bother learning intelligent arguments. You are so much smarter with your below kindergarten intelligence than people who have dealt with issues for 20+ years!

Nudge looked relieved, and Gazzy said, “Oh, thank God.”

EmotedLlama: What a terrible example Max is setting for these kids. Alesand: “Forget school! Go “save” the world and be a total jackass while doing so!”

“Max?” said my mom. I have her a quick hug and a kiss, and Ella too.

EmotedLlama: Max just gave her mom Ella! What? Alesand: Silly Patterson/Max! Grammar is for everyone!

“Duty calls,” I said. “I’ll let you know where I am. Thanks for everything.” “I love you,” she said, because she’s the coolest mom in the entire messed-up world.

EmotedLlama: Oh my god, a mom said I love you before her daughter went out to risk her life? How revolutionary! Only an amazing few could do that! Alesand: Hence why their children ended up in Child Services whilst they often ended up behind bars or at least stuck with the title of “unfit parent.”

Many cameras went off when the six of us, holding Total and Akila, whom I now thought of as the world’s heaviest Malamute, took running starts, unfurled our wings, and soared into the sky, just like that. My heart was so full of freedom that I felt like it might burst.

EmotedLlama: JPatterson really doesn’t care about physics, does he? The flock shouldn’t be able to carry their own weight, let alone other people and big-ass dogs. Alesand: Patterson doesn’t know sh*t about anything science related. I really wish her heart would actually burst.

And there ends Maximum Ride: The Final Warning! I’ve not yet ordered a copy of the next book, so there may be a delay before the next spork. I’ll still be doing my Thoughts On post, of course. And, before we go, Alesand has a few final links (note: they contain mild to heavy R-rated language; view at your own risk, etc. etc.)

This for the book.

This for Max/Patterson.


11 responses »

  1. This was great… I mean, all that really happened in this book which will matter in later books are Total growing wings (No, JPatterson, even in sci fi science doesn’t work that way), the flock’s realisation that ‘Wow, Global Warming sure does suck’ and the flock finding Akila. Not that Akila actually adds anything.
    Are you going to do the next books in the series? Your comments make the stupidity worthwhile.

  2. Either of you ever considered going into journalism or something like that. Judging by your sporkings, I’d say you’d make good critics for a magazine or something.

    I always found this ending kind of confusing. I mean, where are they flying off to? Just some random, nonspecific place? In the next book, they’re back with Dr Martinez, as if they’d never flown away at all. I dunno, maybe I just read it wrong, but I never got that.

    • It’s not something I haven’t considered! I’ve always preferred writing fiction to nonfiction myself, but who knows, really?

      I would assume that JPatterson wanted to go in one direction, then switched ideas between books. He’s certainly done it before–remember the magically appearing laptop in book 3?

      • Hm, yeah, I’d be more into fiction myself also. :) Though journalism can be pretty useful if you want to get a work of fiction published, because it shows you have experience and know how to write. Then again, jornalism isn’t for everyone, and there’s so many ways to use your talents in life, so just do whatever feels right, I guess.

        Ohhh yeah…the laptop…I wish I had technology that popped up whenever it was most convenient. :P

    • I could go into journalism. My exp. originates from reviewing games, movies/shows, and books. I also follow politics and am often critical of the nonsense that occurs in that arena. It is something to consider. I am also good at spotting grammar error, esp. my own. In fact, if you read this Llama, here is one in this spork that needs correcting: “I do wonder what this will happen next!”

  3. Congrats on finishing the book! You’re doing an excellent job of getting through this awful series. Out of curiosity, (I’m sure you’ve been asked this before) have you considered sporking any of Patterson’s other works?

    • Definitely I have! I’ll likely tackle his Daniel X series when Max Ride runs out. As I said in my spork of the first few chapters of Witch and Wizard, though, I’m never taking those books on. They’re too horrible.

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