Maximum Ride: MAX Spork Part 6


Being busy combined with forgetfulness = no spork last week. Sorry.

Chapter 55

Quick recap: claustrophobic, paranoid bird kid, trapped on a jam-packed navy tin can of death, submerged under hundreds of feet of water, and now, huge crashing sound and no lights. (pg 225)

Huh. For once Max’s pointless recaps actually helped.

Okay, have you got that picture? Now ramp up the adrenaline about 400 percent. Mix in a little terror. Stir. (pg 225)

And then it’s ruined. If JPatterson’s idea of good writing is to tell the readers what they should be feeling, well, he’s a terrible writer. But you already knew that.

The flock get out into the corridor, where the sailors are rushing about, apparently ignoring the flock, who start going along with the flow of sailors for no reason. Then Angel stops them and says that the “thingies” are trying to get into the sub. I’m not sure how she knows, since the “thingies” are robots.

Max decides to go for the minisub, and Gazzy hands her what is assumed an explosive and tells her to throw it at the “thingies” using the minisub’s claw.

Let me guess, this is going to work.

Chapter 56

I’ve hot-wired quite a few cars and driven all kinds of weird vehicles, like a school bus and a tank. (pg 229)

Eh? Since when have you driven school buses and tanks?

So Max and Gazzy, who is going along with her, continue through the submarine to the minisub. Max even remarks that nobody tried to stop them, which, sure.

Max, having forgot about her claustrophobia, now worries that she’s in a tiny minisub with Gazzy because of his gas problem. It’s as dumb in the book as it sounds.

Max manages to drive the minisub as they head around the submarine. Then Angel is there again, and she directs Max to the back of the submarine, where there are eight “thingies”, trying to cut into the submarine with a welding torch. Angel goes up to them before Max can use the explosive, oh no!

Chapter 57

Angel talks to the “thingies” and they swim off.


As the minisub heads back to the submarine, a swell of water knocks them away, and Max sees what’s described only as a “mountainous thing” causing the disturbance. The current miraculously doesn’t crush Angel, who’s on the top of the minisub, and even carries the minisub back into the submarine.


Angel says that the mountain thing was thinking, was intelligent, and wants to kill everything. Then the submarine gets knocked over on its side.

We were dead in the water. (pg 236)

Stop being so melodramatic, Max.

Chapter 58

Okay, so apparently the power in the submarine is gone, and Max doesn’t “know if we were sinking slowly into the darker, colder depths of the ocean”. ALSO:

And at this depth, the water pressure was so great that the hatches couldn’t be opened. (pg 237)

????? If Max doesn’t know if the submarine is sinking, then she has to assume that it’s at the same depth as it was before, which means that this is the same exact depth at which the minisub and freaking ANGEL GOT OUT OF THE SUBMARINE!

JPatterson WHYYYY

Then the rest of the flock come in, never mind that the submarine is on its side, and say that the submarine is relatively fine and is surfacing.

How very easy.

The flock decide to fly back to where a helicopter would otherwise be flying them to.

It was hard to jump into the air from an inflatable raft, but we managed, though we sank about a foot into the water before we were aloft. (pg 239)

How does one get lift when one’s thirteen-foot wings are only feet above water? Hmmm?

John and Brigid waved, and maybe I’m imagining things, but I thought Brigid looked envious. Maybe she wanted wings too. (pg 239)

No, she’s definitely envious about your failsnark. C’mon, Max, why would she look envious while looking at you flying and not be envious of your wings? That second sentence there is just pointless.

Max notes that Angel shouldn’t have been able to influence the “thingies” since they’re robots. I guess we’ll be getting an explanation about this, then, though I suspect it’ll be terrible.

And here’s a thought: the mountain thing could think and had a consciousness, but Angel didn’t notice it until it was causing currents. Why? (Hint: it definitely has something to do with JPatterson’s warped logic.)

Chapter 59

Now at a marine research station, Brigid Dwyer posits that the mountain thing used to be a normal living creature that was mutated by radiation. This means that they should look for the source of radiation, despite the fact that this is purely a theory and there’s no reason to assume it as truth.


Chapter 60

The flock are now on a boat to look for the radiation. JPATTERSON LOGIC.

Max goes flying, and is joined by the rest of the flock. And Gazzy has water balloons, somehow.

Nudge squealed as he smacked her right in the head despite her evasive moves.

“My hair!” she shrieked, water dripping into her eyes. “You know what humidity does to it!” (pg 348)

Does he? I mean, I certainly don’t. Is this another one of JPatterson’s new developments that he tries to pretend always existed?

I had no idea how they’d [Gazzy and Iggy] even reached that elevation carrying so much weight in water balloons. And where had they gotten the stupid balloons anyway? It wasn’t like we’d popped into a party store lately! (pg 248)

Anymore I get the impression that JPatterson knows that nothing he writes makes sense, and he just doesn’t care.


4 responses »

  1. Nudge’s fall from likeable albeit slightly ignored character to vapid cardboard cutout feels like the real tragedy of this series.

    • AGREED. I actually rather liked Nudge in the first few books, but then JPatterson decided to completely warp her character for no reason. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking fashion and whatnot, but since this is Maximum Ride those things have become Nudge’s only defining characteristics, and that’s just not an interesting character.

  2. This feels like an extended Rocky and Bullwinkle episode minus the humor. It is a random jumbled mess with no coherence. It feels like Patterson stopped giving a damn and decided to write random things because he knew fan(atic)s would read it all no matter how bad it would be.

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