Maximum Ride: FANG Spork Part 6

Standard

Remember when Nudge was able to get the history behind an inanimate object by touching it? Yeah, I’m gonna keep pointing these things out until JPatterson stops forgetting them.

Chapter 26

Angel tells Max that she has a video for her, that she found in her bag after they returned from Chad. The video is of Dr. Gunther-Hagen, trying to convince Max to work with him by talking about how his research could, for instance, give Iggy new eyes.

Gee, how convenient that Angel only now got around to showing Max a video that is now relevant to things JPatterson just set up.

Chapter 27

Max does some research on relevant science.

…what became clear to me was that the doctor was experimenting way too fast on humans. (pg 95)

Don’t, you know, back up that claim with reasons. Just tell us it and move on. Yupyup. Then, just after taking a shower, she sees herself as an Eraser again.

This had happened once before, ages ago. (pg 96)

So, what, is it going to take another few books before JPatterson gets to the five hundred other dropped plots? Were the first three books just a collection of setups for different stories he can pick and choose from as is convenient?

Ugghghhhhhhh

Chapter 28

Fang enters the bathroom and the rest of the flock notice, apparently.

“Oh, Fang, you’re so haaandsooome,” I heard. It sounded like me–standing right next to me.

That was Gazzy, doing one of his absolutely perfect impersonations. He also had a gift for throwing his voice. (pg 98)

Well, at least we know JPatterson is consistent in making things happen that are utterly impossible.

Max hears a crash from outside, and heads out to find broken dishes and leftover food on the floor. Apparently Gazzy and Iggy were wrestling… while Gazzy was impersonating Max and Fang. Max tells the flock to get back to their books.

Chapter 29

The flock did not like that! Including Nudge, who says that the way they’re learning is boring and that they should be doing it at school.

I was shocked–Nudge had always been my most loyal supporter. (pg 101)

Max. Max, Nudge spent a portion of the last book separated from the flock because she did not agree with you.

Max devises a plan to make the flock happy: have a birthday party for all of them, in which they arbitrarily call themselves a year older.

Chapter 30

Nudge sang softly to herself as she worked. It had been totally worth it, lugging everything back from Europe and New York. Look at how handy these things were now! Her backpack had been stuffed, and she’d hidden 80 percent of everything she’d bought, sure that Max would maker her dump it as being not worth lugging around, a liability in case of a fight, etc., etc., etc. (pg 104)

Okay, Nudge, I’ll bite: where did you hide this stuff when you went on a boat to Antarctica? How about the time you went in a submarine? Or basically any moment of the months in which you were living with Max, who is not exactly inattentive. And how did you buy it, anyway?

Yeah, so this chapter is the flock preparing presents for each other in an extremely predictable fashion. Iggy and Gazzy get up to something devious, Angel does something creepy, Max and Fang are reasonable–it’s nothing new. Like pretty much any time JPatterson chooses to focus on the flock.

Chapter 31

It’s now the party and Fang got balloons and ice cream and I’m just wondering how the flock are paying for this. Did Max’s mom leave a credit card with a bunch of irresponsible kids who have no real concept of money management, or what?

Blah blah blah, gifts and stuff, such as Max giving everyone a voucher for a tattoo. Which, um, not legal without an adult, right? Oh, and there’s an arbitrary chapter break because Fang gave Max a ring.

Chapter 32

Gazzy made fireworks that spell out the flocks’ first initials, because of course he did, and they light up a jeep heading towards the house OH SCARY. And somehow I’m actually looking forward to a Maximum Ride action scene.

Chapter 33

…the black Jeep reminded me of the fist time the Erasers attacked our old house. We’d been on the run ever since. (pg 114)

Oh, please. You haven’t been running from anything since the start of The Final Warning.

Then Angel notes that Jeb is in the jeep, so, no action scene. *Sigh*

By the way, remember how Jeb was working with the bad guys that the flock took out in Saving The World [etc.]? And how they apparently got arrested or whatever (there is literally no mention of what happened there, so I’m left to guessing) but Jeb didn’t? Even a half-assed explanation like JPatterson sometimes bothers with would be better than completely ignoring it. Maybe he just hoped nobody would notice, like that time he gave the flock a laptop. But enough about past books.

Max asks Angel (who is using her telepathy, it seems) if her mom is with Jeb, and Angel says no. When Jeb pulls up to the house (which, interestingly, is built significantly aboveground so that wingless people have to climb a ladder), it’s revealed that Dylan is along with him. Why Angel didn’t tell Max this, I haven’t the slightest. It’s probably since she’s a jerk.

Chapter 34

JPatterson spends a bunch of time on awkward greetings and whatever before making Max help Dylan out with flying because he’s not good at it.

It’s one thing to be a three-year-old with baby wings and learning how to fly. But this guy was… almost… a man. A little pathetic. (pg 120)

He’s eight months old, Max. Go easy on him.

“Have at ‘im,” Fang said easily, and he was on the front porch with an almost silent flutter of his wide deep-black wings. (pg 120)

Sorry, JPatterson, but I am not buying that “flutter” could ever be an apt word for a thirteen-foot wingspan lifting a 80- or 90-pound human off the ground.

Next time: Max helps Dylan fly, and there is probably a bunch of poorly written romantic tension. We’ll just have to find out together.

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One response »

  1. Patterson appears to use a different ghost writer per chapter who is not aware of prior chapters, much less prior books. Without a doubt, lazy, sloppy writing. Patterson does not deserve the fame he receives.

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