Maximum Ride: FANG Spork Part 17

Standard

ugghhhhhhhhh

Chapter 82

The green guy is ignored because Max is looking at Fang and reminiscing about moments they shared before the books started. I guess it’s not overly egregious since it’s small, normal interactions, but when JPatterson has done such a terrible job establishing the flock’s history and then randomly throws in bits here and there to up the drama of a scene… I dunno. It’s kinda annoying. This chapter isn’t even a page long in terms of the actual text, by the way. :/

Chapter 83

After being all sad in the last chapter, Max now gets angry and shouts at Fang and pounds at his chest. Given that she’s being unrestrained right now, it would follow that she hit him with enough force to break his ribs. Just pointing that out.

Max sees the hypodermic needle Dr. Gunther-Hagen injected into Fang’s IV in an attempt to save him. (Or at least filled with the same stuff he used.) Max takes it and plunges it “directly into his [Fang’s] heart” and narrates that this would either kill him for good or bring him back. Reminder that I did the math last spork and at this point, there’s no way Fang comes back without major repercussions. Using real-world logic, that is. We all know Fang will come back and be just fine.

Chapter 84

JPatterson drags it out for another half page before Fang’s pulse returns. How many words did this book waste on something that was never going to happen? Answer: WAY TOO MANY.

I’m pretty much of the stoical school of emotiveness, but everything I was feeling burst through me like a flood through a dam. I dropped my head back onto his chest, my arms around him, and sobbed.

Pfft. Max has spent the whole book being emotional, JPatterson, and saying “I’m not usually emotional but this made me emotional!” doesn’t really have much weight anymore. Especially after you just used it when Fang left.

Chapter 85

Dr. Gunther-Hagen suddenly decides to shout about how the flock should let him go. It’s, well, sudden, and weird. And for some reason it’s not until after he does that and exchanges a line with Dylan that he “[becomes] fully aware of Fang’s regained consciousness.” ??? Was he daydreaming or something?

“This doesn’t make sense!” [Dr. Gunther-Hagen said.] (pg 289)

I’m with ya, dude.

You don’t make sense!” I bit out through my tears. (pg 289)

laughter-gif

Dylan gets the flock to help him restrain the Dr. on a gurney and picks up another needle.

He readied the needle like a trained nurse. It was obvious that he’d been raised on injections. (pg 290)

Sigh. Is anything in these books ever going to be conveyed without a two-ton anvil?

Dylan readies the needle (which is presumably filled with something that will kill Dr. Gunther-Hagen) and the flock don’t seem to mind, except for Max who at the last moment tells Dylan to stop. He stops and then injects himself. I’m gonna guess now that Dylan’s not going to die since his character arc/backstory haven’t yet been explained, but who knows, maybe he was just a crappy plot device to shoehorn in a love triangle.

Epilogue

Uh… That’s not a good sign, because last I checked none of the book’s plots have been resolved yet. Unless “WILL FANG DIE?!?!?!11/11” was meant to be the book’s main plot. If so… Jeez.

Max, Nudge, and Angel are all dressed up for something. They’re carrying flowers, but for what purpose we’re not told. So obviously Dylan isn’t dead, since that would’ve been made clear. JPatterson, your narrative tricks are utterly transparent.

Our various bruises and scrapes had healed completely, and Fang’s injuries were only a bad memory–as was Dylan’s pseudo suicide attempt. He’d suffered no ill consequences of the injection thus far. (pg 296)

Well, CALLED IT, but also, uh, bad word choice, JPatterson. The definition of “pseudo” in my dictionary is “fake,” and “almost, approaching, or trying to be” is only the second definition on Dictionary.com. So this sentence would imply that Dylan faked his suicide attempt, but that doesn’t exactly make much sense, but since the book fails to elaborate I genuinely have no idea. You know what would have gotten rid of that confusion? Using either “attempted” or “fake.” WOW! USING WORDS THAT CLEARLY MEAN WHAT YOU MEAN, WHO WOULD’VE THUNK.

Aaalso, what did Dylan inject himself with? That’d tell us whether or not it would be likely for him to be affected by it. Instead JPatterson is just being vague.

Plus, we hadn’t seen Dr. Gunther-Hagen again. We’d rolled him kicking and screaming into a giant lab cold-storage room before splitting that day, but I was sure one of his posse would revive and let the doc out of his icebox before he turned into a Popsicle. (pg 296)

Ummm, WHAAAT? Why would you just leave him? This is JPatterson land, there’s no reason it wouldn’t have been possible to get him arrested. That would have actually provided closure to that plotline! And while we’re talking about closure, we’d better get an explanation for that green guy. (Or even know what happened to him, since we were told about Dr. Gunther-Hagen.)

Max tells us that she and Angel haven’t talked about the animosity between them. There’s another plotline with no resolution. What even happened in this book?!

We’re at a wedding, BTW. Angel is the flower girl:

She walked slowly down the red carpet, strewing white rose petals everywhere. (pg 297)

And Nudge is a bridesmaid, I guess:

She gave me one last smile, then headed down the red carpet slowly, walking in time to the music. (pg 297)

That’s “slowly” used twice in as many paragraphs. Hrmph.

Max meets Fang halfway down the carpet.

His black hair had been cut, somewhat. (pg 297)

Is JPatterson absolutely determined to be as vague as possible or what?

Max and Fang link arms to go the rest of the way down the aisle, then go to their opposite sides. Angel also did this with Gazzy, and Nudge with Iggy. And for some reason JPatterson just had to use the word “separated” for all three times they split up. (And throws in an ellipsis for Max and Fang as if we were supposed to wonder what was going to happen or something.) It was sort of okay when he repeated it the first time with Nudge and Iggy because he was drawing a parallel between the two events, but would it have killed him to use “parted” or something for Max and Fang? I know it’s a major nitpick, but it’s annoying, and basic word choice should not stick out and be annoyin! That’s one of the most basic rules of writing. I try to be conscious about it in my sporks, which shows me I spend more time thinking about my own writing than JPatterson does his. How great is that?

Oh, the wedding is for Total and Akila, by the way. I’m… not sure that’s legal. And that’s all I’m going to say about it because is it the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.

The Other Epilogue

OH MY GOD.

This epilogue takes place after the reception and is narrated by Max. IT HAS NOTHING TO REASONABLY SEPARATE IT FROM THE FIRST EPILOGUE.

WILL YOU EVER STOP, JPATTERSON?????

Fang had left the reception an hour before the rest, and no surprises, it turns out he left again. And left a note again! JPatterson is just repeating himself now and that is hilariously awful. The note is just mushy stuff and “I’m putting you at danger still so I have to leave blah blah blah” and then the book ends. Well, there’s a collection of unpublished blog posts from Fang that I’ll look over later and if there’s anything noteworthy I’ll put it in the “thoughts on post,” but… yeah. That was a crappy ending, and there’s one final question I’m going to ask: Did the serum that was supposed to make Fang better work? We weren’t told! Because JPatterson is a terrible writer!

SIGGHHHHH

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4 responses »

  1. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the wedding of Total and Akila out of my mind, no matter how hard I try. :P

    • It’s just so confusing! Surely JPatterson realizes how silly it is… or does he actually expect us to find dog romance touching? The scary thing is, Max intoning for a couple paragraphs about how meaningful Total and Akila’s relationship is would point to the latter. *Shivers*

      • The first time I read it, I actually thought it was Max and Fang getting married or something…I never realised that Patterson was capable of writing something this silly. :P

        The whole thing is actually pretty creepy, come to think of it. Especially since Total has human-level intelligence, while Akila is just a normal dog. The marriage can’t last for long, because it would be impossible for them to relate to one another. How is Akila even able to understand the concept of marriage? (Unless Akila is actually a mutant herself, in disguise as a normal dog…maybe she’s the evil mastermind behind everything.)

  2. Why allow the mad scientist to escape? Why ignore offers of help from others? Why a wedding for the mutts? WHY?!? Because patterson and his ghost writers work separately and the editor is too stoned to proofread. The levels of stupidity keep sinking lower and lower.

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