Maximum Ride: ANGEL Spork Part 1

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250px-Angel_A_Maximum_Ride_Novel_CoverYou can’t see it in this image, but the photo quality for Max’s face is really awful. Also, that tagline is awful. My copy says “Angel knows how it all ends” instead, which is boring, but better. Really, this cover is pretty boring, though at least it’s not ninety percent text. The jacket blurb, by the way, never even mentions Angel. I wonder if she’ll actually be relevant to the plot? (The answer is probably no, knowing JPatterson.)

Book One: The Sky is Falling

Oh, great, we’re still at it with the “book” thing. What a great start.

Chapter 1

Max is trapped in a dog cage, expecting Fang to come for her. There’s also a lab assistant who smashes the cage with a club every time Max gets near the front of the cage because that makes sense. Apparently this cage is frail enough that the lab assistant’s smashes weakens the hinges and lets Max kick the door open. Personally, I’d think that if the hinges are weak enough to get destroyed by that the door is probably just going to dent from kicking it, but none of this makes sense anyway so who cares. I mean, just a moment ago Max was wanting Fang to help her and now she’s getting out on her own? I get the impression JPatterson just started writing with no idea what he was doing and didn’t bother to do basic editing.

Max escapes the cage and immediately roundhouse kicks the assistant in the head. I wonder why there would be enough distance between them for that. JPatterson’s answer to that would probably be “Max is Chuck Norris!”

Max hops onto a table, swings on a pipe hanging from “a low section of the ceiling,” and kicks the assistant.

This was the perfect time for me to run to the end of the table, jump off, and spread my wings.

That’s where the “mutant freak” part comes in. (pg 4)

Max, please only use definite articles to refer to items you’ve established as existing. Or, in simpler terms: WHAT MUTANT FREAK PART?????

I shot upward, flying toward a small window high in the wall (pg 4)

Okay, so as far as I can tell, this is what the room Max is in looks like:

Room

WHAT THE HECK KIND OF ROOM IS THIS????

Max sees Fang outside the window and proceeds to use the term “have my back” approximately twenty times. She tries to break through the glass but fails.

I bounced off it and dropped hard, like a brick. (pg 5)

Okay, JPatterson? Either use an adjective or a simile, but not both. Falling is not a difficult concept to understand and you’re destroying any semblance of pacing by overexplaining simple things.

Max gets shot with a tranquilizer dart and Fang just watches from outside and duh, it’s a dream. But a dream during the day, mid-flight!!! This fact is ignored even though it sounds like a pretty big deal. Instead we get a paragraph about how horribly awful it is that Fang is gone. Not anything of substance, mind you, just “it’s terrifying and makes everything bad and waaah.” And according to Max, Fang will never “have her back” again. And she says it in italics! I wonder how long it will take for the two of them to start working together like the jacket blurb says is gonna happen. *Eyeroll*

Chapter 2

Max is in Arizona, she tells us, with her mom and Ella and the rest of the flock. They’re there because Angel called Max’s mom since Max had been lying in bed in the fetal position for 24 hours. (Her overreactions to losing Fang are hilarious.)

Max continues to monologue about how she’s barely anything without Fang because what is Max if not with Fang and blah blah blah and then she interrupts her narration mid-sentence because someone says “boo.” Which is, uh, weird to say the least. I mean, when’s the last time you were telling a story and explaining your feelings at a particular moment and then suddenly you had to stop because the next thing in your story had happened?

Chapter 3

The unknown speaker is Dylan.

“What do you want?” I scowled at him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Don’t know who you are without him?”

“I’m so sure!(pgs 10-11)

Okay, so according to Max, Dylan is sarcastic now so I guess that would explain him being goading right from the get-go. But I have absolutely no idea what Max’s response is meant to mean. Seriously, can anyone help me with this? Does it make sense to any of you?

Max kicks Dylan off the tree.

Dylan caught himself before he went splat, shooting out his fifteen-foot wings like sails, letting them fill with wind. (pg 11)

WHAT THE HELL

WINGS ARE NOT LIKE SAILS

(AND SAILS DON’T SHOOT OUT SO YOU CAN’T SHOOT OUT SOMETHING LIKE SAILS ANYWAY)

WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS CLOSER TO A PARACHUTE THAN A PAIR OF WINGS

ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEE

Alright, I’ve decided that the flock don’t actually have wings, but broken accordions that sort of splay all over the place and work using magic. That makes more sense than what JPatterson describes.

Dylan returns and and knocks Max off the tree, then catches her.

“Get your hands off m–” I started to say, but in the next second, he pulled me close and kissed me–hard. (pg 12)

Wow, in the space of two pages JPatterson managed to turn Dylan from a sort of nice, vaguely intriguing character into an absolute jerk. NICE JOB.

Chapter 4

I surged upward, deciding that killing Dylan was an appropriate response. (pg 13)

I’m with ya. Too bad he’s a main character and obligated to be the Jerk Bad Boy Love Interest in the love triangle JPatterson decided fit his action series.

Dylan mocks and insults Max as she prepares to attack him. She kicks him in the chest, he hits her with his wing (in midair? suuuure), etc. She wonders where he’s been learning to fight and then realizes that he’s learning from her. I… don’t think that makes any sense. They fight a tiny bit more, then Max tells him to leave, and Dylan says he can’t. They both stop fighting to talk, Max’s blood rage all gone because it was convenient to the plot.

“Never, Max,” Dylan said. “I’m programmed to imprint on you. You know it. I can’t fight the urge to be with you, no matter what.” (pg 16)

HOW ROMANTIC.

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2 responses »

  1. Have I not been paying very close attention, or am I seriously in the second book with Dylan in it and unable to name even two of his personality traits because he’s just that blank?

    • Pfft, clearly you’re not reading closely enough! After all, Max says that he used to be “sweet” and “lovesick” and now he’s “sarcastic” and “tough.” Look, that’s *four!* Clearly he’s a well-realized character whose traits aren’t informed, yep yep!

      (Should be obvious, but yeah, I’m joking.)

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