Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Final Warning Spork Part 10


Chapter 45

You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 152)

*Sigh* Well, here we go.

Fang talks a bit about random stuff, and then

Fortunately, the person we rescued didn’t make it. (pg 153)

That’s right. He expresses happiness that someone who had wires in their leg is dead. I don’t even have the energy for this.

Fang soapboxes for a bit about global warming, tells someone off for calling him out about it, and blah blah blah sucky bookness moving on.

Chapter 46

The flock fly off and land on a volcanic island, Deception Island, which is actually a real island. Nudge and Angel decide to swim in some warm water, and it’s all very boring until they notice that Total has wings.

I knew this was coming, but it’s still stupid. What’s stupider is how JPatterson tries to make each new trait the flock gets seem dramatic and special and cliffhangery, but it’s really just… well, stupid.

Chapter 47

Apparently, Total eats human food. This makes me assume that he’s basically just human organs put into a dog’s body, plus wings, which is… really weird. And probably impossible for numerous reasons. I dunno. I don’t care. He doesn’t exist to me.

“Obviously, this is an extreme environment,” Brigid said. “We do have dangers here, as you have seen. For example, what would you do if you suddenly realized you were lost? A lot of the terrain looks the same.”

“I’d fly up till I could see the station,” I said. “Then head back to it.”

The scientists looked at me, taken aback. I guess that solution hadn’t occurred to them. (pg 162)

Stupidist. Scientists. Ever.

Chapter 48

Your friendly reminder that we’re now nearly two-thirds of the way through the book. I realize that I before said that more happens in this than the other books, but that doesn’t really mean much given just how empty they are. So far, the flock got attacked by a pizza bomb, we learned that a bad guy is after them, and they went to Antarctica. That’s it in terms of actual plot.

Max grandstands about evul corporations for a little bit, and then

“I want a baby penguin,” said Angel, tugging on my jacket to get my attention. (pg 166)

Imagining Angel as really tiny, half her age, and not nearly so intelligent could make this extremely cute. As it is, nope.

Max looks around at what’s going on for a bit (what’s going on? No idea), and then magically knows that something is wrong. I mean, this could at least be an established power of hers. But no, she just gets a special Birdy Sense that lets her know when something’s up. Though nothing comes of it because the chapter ends.

Chapter 49

You are reading Fang’s Blog. Welcome! (pg 169)


Fang extolls the virtues of becoming a scientist, then takes questions.

Chapter 50

Max and Fang use his blog entry as a catalyst to talk about more RELATIONSHIP DRAMUH and then oh no Angel and Total and Akila are missing!!!

Chapter 51No but seriously, that chapter was a page and a half total. Angel is stuck in a crevasse, after following penguin tracks to touch a baby penguin. Don’t ask me why she wasn’t flying, because the answer is that the plot demanded it and I don’t want to have to say that because it’s such an idiotic answer even though it’s right.

Plot idiocy aside, Angel thinks about how to get out, realizes that she can’t be seen from above, tries to change her appearance to a bird of paradise to help, but nothing works and she resigns herself to death.

Unfortunately, we all know she’s not going to die.

Chapter 52

One of the scientists tries to keep Max and Fang from going after Angel, so Max punches him and flies off.

This chapter is barely even a page in total.

Chapter 53

Max and Fang are flying out in the incredibly harsh winds, and after fifteen minutes they find penguin tracks. Google searches brought up nothing for how long tracks last in harsh winds, but I find it extremely dubious that the tracks would still be there.

Regardless, though, Max sees some penguins huddling together, and as Angel had wanted a penguin she flies down to them to see if she’s there. Do I care? Not a single bit.

Chapter 54

The loss of his main contact was a regrettable obstacle, Gozen thought, but at least she had succeeded in placing tiny homing devices on the quarry before she was so unexpectedly terminated. (pg 183)

Wow, that is a really terrible sentence. Thought tags with no direct thought? Clunky wording? Painful exposition? All there.

Gozen tells his troops to prepare for combat, and the chapter ends.

Chapter 55

Max and Fang land away from the penguins, for some reason, and walk the rest of the way. They use their “built-in navigator system” to find their path, and it’s interesting to note that it’s still super vaguely described. As far as I can tell, it’s basically a compass, but it’s not called that so I assume it’s not, but if not it means the flock just have some sort of magical sense of direction that tells them where things are, or something… it makes no sense.

Max stumbles over uneven ground and makes noise, and Angel yells for help, revealing herself to be right under Max and Fang. Fang begins to uncoil rope to get Angel out, but oh noes her foot is stuck!!!

Chapter 56

Why is this subplot even in the book? It’s absolutely pointless.

Max and Fang get out the dogs, but it’s cold and apparently flying with heavy things is now a problem and Angel’s foot is stuck and it’s all much more boring than it sounds.
Chapter 57

So many needless chapter breaks, I swear.

Max and Fang pull Angel out and make a shelter by some rocks, and the tension is just nonexistant. I mean, seriously: Angel is stuck with no way of seeing her? Max yelps right on top of her! Angel can’t be pulled out with the dogs? The dogs go first! Angel’s foot is stuck? They get her out with no difficulty! Now they’re stuck in a storm? Convenient rock formation!


Introducing: The Archive!


I really should have made it a while ago, but here it is now. Along with the About and Find Us pages is now the Archive, which lists all the series and entries within we’ve done. An Emoted Uglacy isn’t there, yet, but it’ll be up later today. I hope the archive helps with your reading experience!

The Final Warning Spork Part 9


I’m feeling a bit irritated right now, so I may be extra mean today. Fun! (Although I actually wrote this yesterday and then edited and posted it today.)

Chapter 33

Fang talks to Brigid as everyone prepares to eat, and this really affects Max. Note that Brigid is 21, and Fang is 14.

So, yeah, Max goes off and flies for a bit, and unfortunately she doesn’t lose the boat and drown to death. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with the most idiotic romantic subplot ever.

Chapter 34

Max returns, and one of the scientists (not going to bother referring to them by name because they’re all the same person) asks Max if flying is fun. Max says yes.

Growing up in dog crates, being subjected to horrible experiments, being chased and attacked every time we turned around: not so much. (pg 120)

Max is constantly talking about this stuff, and yet she never really seems to actually care about it. Horrible childhood trauma is only worth quips to her, but Fang daring to talk to a girl makes her choke up and fly away.

Max has serious issues, and none of them make sense.

“I’m going to turn in,” I said abruptly, and headed toward the aft stairs. (Aft means “rear” on a boat. See how I’m thr0wing the lingo around?) (pg 121)

Is this supposed to be funny? Interesting? I can’t tell because it’s nothing; it’s just there, and it’s stupid and pointless and I hate the way JPatterson writes with a burning passion.

Max talks to Fang a bit about FEELINGS or something and then the chapter ends.

Chapter 35

Max returns to the flock’s room, where she talks to Total about his dog crush. Meanwhile, I’m trying to pretend Total doesn’t exist.

Oh, and the flock decides to stay with the scientists, as if we didn’t know that would happen.

Chapter 36

Max talks to one of the scientists for a bit, and apparently it’s okay for her to get to know them, but not Fang. Like, I get that people are hypocrites, but for some reason I don’t think that it was JPatterson’s intention to make Max insufferable.

Oh, and then there are whales or something.

Chapter 37

I’ll give it to this book: it’s harder to make it sound like not much happened than in the other books. Even if there are a ton of unnecessary scenes, at least relevant things sometimes happen.

Anyway, this chapter is about whales and the scientists learning that Angel can read minds and there’s not really anything to it.

Chapter 38

Max says that the flock aren’t that affected by the cold when they’re flying, and that the air was no colder than it was at high altitudes (25,000 feet, specifically). I wasn’t able to find any quick information on the latter factoid, but according to Wikipedia birds do better in the cold due to their respiratory system and such, which as far as I can tell wouldn’t make them only warmer when flying. So I’m pretty sure JPatterson was just making things up.

Blah blah blah they’re nearly at the research center, and there are going to be about forty people there in total, which makes Max uncomfortable. Do I care? No.

Chapter 39

Max treats us to a poem about the color white. It’s slightly more clever than I expected, but still godawful.

Then Iggy says he can see the landscape.

Chapter 40

Iggy can see whiteness. He can see the color white, nothing else.





Chapter 41

And now we’re with the Uber-Director.


The Uber-Director has surveillance on the flock, and then a ridiculous monster-thing called, get this, Gozen appears.

I just.

The Uber-Director says that it’s “almost time” and tells Gozen (GOZEN! What the hell kind of ridiculous name is that?!) to prepare his troops. It’s all very boring. Except for Gozen. Gozen is fantastic in a so-bad-it’s-good way.

Chapter 42

The flock play with penguins, who then waddle away

And then suddenly an enormous creature surged out of the ocean, grabbed Sue-Ann by a leg, and sank back into the black depths. (pg 145)

Am I the only one who finds this utterly hilarious?

Chapter 43

After my spork of the second book ended up being shorter than I expected, I’ve tried to be more detailed in my sporks, but I just covered ten chapters in 700 words and I’m really not sure I could have added much more. These books are just so boring and pointless and so little actually happens that it’s actually kind of impressive. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that so thoroughly wastes its words.

Aaanyway, the attack was from a leopard seal, who, fun fact, have actually been recorded attacking humans in a manner such as what happens in this book. This is rather surprising, as I would have expected JPatterson to just make something up.

Max and Fang rush to help the scientist, and fly her all the way back to the infirmary.

Look, JPatterson, the logistics of the flock being able to get off the ground at all is flimsy enough. I’m not buying that they were able to fly a fully-grown human for any distance whatsoever. You fail at physics please go back to school.

The doctors look at Sue-Ann’s ravaged leg, and find wires and such embedded in it. Everyone automatically knows that this means she was a traitor, and taking barely a moment to acknowledge that she died (!) they take action to search for hidden cameras.

This is the most contrived, idiotic, ridiculous plotting in all of existence.

Chapter 44

As expected, the antifreeze additive to their joint lubrication proved effective. (pg 150)

Keep in mind that this is the first sentence of a new chapter in a new setting. Now, what noun do you think “their” refers to?

I have no idea, either, because it’s flat-out incorrect grammar, and confusing grammar on top of that. Only after reading a couple more paragraphs can I figure out that it probably is referring to the Uber-Director’s robot soldiers. Which, now I’m remembering that he has robot soldiers.

Gozen and his troops are now in the antarctic, and have learned of Sue-Ann’s death. Gozen has to alter his plans or something, and I’m still thinking about how this is such convenient plotting. But now I’ve reached 1,000 words of spork and I’m not going any further because I value my sanity.

The Final Warning Spork Part 8: Special Edition (Part 1)


The title’s a bit confusing this week because it’s now Thursday and we’ve not yet gotten the second chapter sporked, so in the interest of timeliness I’m posting this now and the second chapter later, which will be part 8 part 2. Anyway, inside me and Alesand spork chapter 31 of Maximum Ride: The Final Warning.

Read the rest of this entry